So, I've had a few days to get settled back in to Glasgow. I'm pretty happy here, which is surprising. The fact I'm smoking again probably has a lot to do with it. At the moment it's the best way to kind of keep the thoughts about what my ex did to me at bay. They stop the anxiety getting too bad. I must stop soon though.
I'm so glad to be back here and to be able to see my boyfriend. He makes me really happy, and it's lovely to have someone I can talk about books with, and not just casually, we can sit and properly analyse and dissect them. I know that probably sounds ridiculous and pretentious, but we enjoy it. Plus it is useful for our courses to have someone to discuss ideas with.
I am despairing slightly over books. The ones for philosophy have only recently been published, so I have to buy them all at extortionate prices from the university bookshop. One of them isn't even in stock yet and I need to get it started by Monday!
I'm working my way through my ones for Literature. I dislike Orlando. That's all I have to say on that book. For the moment at least.
I have spent days debating over tonight. A pile of us are all going over to a friend's for some drinks then some will be going out to our favourite pub. Considering what happened last time I was out I didn't want to, but to be honest, a lot of my nervousness will be the usual anxiety I feel when it comes to going out. I have bought some cheap vodka and I'm planning on at least going to my friend's and catching up with everybody. I'm not going to hide away, as much as I'd like to.
Back in Glasgow
I arrived back in Glasgow on Friday night and I'm glad to be back!
(I know I rushed through my last post but thinking about what happened makes me sick. I may go into detail a bit more another time.)
About an hour after I got on the second train back there was a lovely announcement to say the train was essentially dying so we had to go back to the station. When we got there the incredibly crowded train was then told there was a much smaller replacement train running. Of course, everybody panicked and ran, and some charming woman pushed into me, resulting in me getting my foot caught in the gap between the train and the platform and I went crashing down onto the metal grille just inside the door. I now have a very sore and colourful knee.
That was all of the excitement of the journey. Yesterday I went ot my boyfriend's and had os much fun making what has to be the worst cake in existence with him and his flatmates. He decided he wanted a giant butterfly cake and had a brilliant plan to hollow out 2 sponges and fill the entire thing with buttercream. The problem was that most of the buttercream was too runny, and as we didn't have any more icing sugar we crumbled up the spare sponge into it. It all just got worse from that point. I'd be very surprised if anybody has tried it yet.
It was lovely to go to sleep next to him again. It would have been a perfect day/night if it wasn't for the fact that I can't really have sex. When we tried, I just kept thinking of the ex I mentioned in my last post, and it just resulted in pain. I hope this goes away soon, otherwise I can imagine it causing a few issues with my boyfriend and me, and I will not let that fat bastard ruin the best thing that has happened to me.
(I know I rushed through my last post but thinking about what happened makes me sick. I may go into detail a bit more another time.)
About an hour after I got on the second train back there was a lovely announcement to say the train was essentially dying so we had to go back to the station. When we got there the incredibly crowded train was then told there was a much smaller replacement train running. Of course, everybody panicked and ran, and some charming woman pushed into me, resulting in me getting my foot caught in the gap between the train and the platform and I went crashing down onto the metal grille just inside the door. I now have a very sore and colourful knee.
That was all of the excitement of the journey. Yesterday I went ot my boyfriend's and had os much fun making what has to be the worst cake in existence with him and his flatmates. He decided he wanted a giant butterfly cake and had a brilliant plan to hollow out 2 sponges and fill the entire thing with buttercream. The problem was that most of the buttercream was too runny, and as we didn't have any more icing sugar we crumbled up the spare sponge into it. It all just got worse from that point. I'd be very surprised if anybody has tried it yet.
It was lovely to go to sleep next to him again. It would have been a perfect day/night if it wasn't for the fact that I can't really have sex. When we tried, I just kept thinking of the ex I mentioned in my last post, and it just resulted in pain. I hope this goes away soon, otherwise I can imagine it causing a few issues with my boyfriend and me, and I will not let that fat bastard ruin the best thing that has happened to me.
05/01/2010
Okay, I don't know how to start this, but it feels like I'm bottling my feelings up about this.
The night before last I went out with one of my best friends from home. My ex, the one who was seeing his ex behind my back, was there. Me and him have got on well since the break-up, and I counted him as a good friend. I'll sum up what happened.
My friend went home and him and me got food then went to his to eat it. I ended up unable to move or talk and I'm not sure why. I also felt very confused. I wasn't incredibly drunk, and I've never felt that way before. While I wasn't able to move he took advantage of me. I kept forgetting who he was and where I was.
When he walked me home I knew something bad had happened but recognised a friend was with me. I hugged him before going in. It was only in the morning I realised what had all happened.
I feel so sick. I can't believe a friend, someone I trusted would do this. I've been to the police, and while part of me is scared of what's going to happen (it'll blow up, he'll deny it, something will make it worse) I feel better for reporting it. Still not good though.
I don't think he actually had sex with me but I can't remember part of the night. I hope not.
I think something was in one of my drinks, but I hope not, and even if there was I'm praying it wasn't him. Hopefully he just saw an opportunity and took it, as horrible as it was. If he planned it I don't know how I'll cope. I'm already enough of a mess over it.
I just can't get my head around it. He was a friend.
The night before last I went out with one of my best friends from home. My ex, the one who was seeing his ex behind my back, was there. Me and him have got on well since the break-up, and I counted him as a good friend. I'll sum up what happened.
My friend went home and him and me got food then went to his to eat it. I ended up unable to move or talk and I'm not sure why. I also felt very confused. I wasn't incredibly drunk, and I've never felt that way before. While I wasn't able to move he took advantage of me. I kept forgetting who he was and where I was.
When he walked me home I knew something bad had happened but recognised a friend was with me. I hugged him before going in. It was only in the morning I realised what had all happened.
I feel so sick. I can't believe a friend, someone I trusted would do this. I've been to the police, and while part of me is scared of what's going to happen (it'll blow up, he'll deny it, something will make it worse) I feel better for reporting it. Still not good though.
I don't think he actually had sex with me but I can't remember part of the night. I hope not.
I think something was in one of my drinks, but I hope not, and even if there was I'm praying it wasn't him. Hopefully he just saw an opportunity and took it, as horrible as it was. If he planned it I don't know how I'll cope. I'm already enough of a mess over it.
I just can't get my head around it. He was a friend.
2011
So where have I been?
Well, right now I'm at home, with my family. I managed to get through my exams and I came back home for the holidays. I return to Glasgow on Friday.
My first exam was philosophy. Thankfully a few things I'd studied came up, so while I may not have got an A I will at least have passed. I can kind of say the same for literature. I managed to write really good answers for two of the sections, but I looked at the third and thought "I can't answer any of these questions." For once the stupidly short exam time came in handy; I didn't have time to sit and worry, I just started writing and I figured out what point I was trying to make halfway through it. English language went alright, Even though some questions were hard, it was multiple choice so it took me no time at all. I'll get my marks back at the end of January.
I'm still with the boyfriend. For the first two weeks I've been back I kept feeling violently ill because I missed him. I'm not even exaggerating. I struggle to maintain relationships without regularly seeing the person, so it's been really hard. The fact that I am undoubtedly head over heels in love with him makes it harder. At the moment I'm just looking forward to seeing him next weekend and I'm trying to stay positive.
It feels really strange. I have never cared about anyone in this way before. I adore him, but sometimes he seems like a stranger. I could listen to him talking about anything for hours on end. Even just the thought that he could leave me someday makes me feel dizzy. The room wobbles and spins. It shouldn't be possible to feel this way.
My eating problems seem under control as well. Since it's the festive period I have gained a few pounds, and that combined with the weight gain from going back on the contraceptive pill means that I am definitely much squidgier than before. I may try to lose weight sensibly when I get back down, but part of me doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me, but I'm not sure if I want to be thin.
It's hard to describe, but I feel comfortable knowing that while I'm not fat, I'm not thin. I couldn't be called it any more. There's no horrible doubts all day that I'm suddenly not thin any more, and I can't do my usual quick-fix weight loss, lose half stone in a week and be skinny again. I think that because weight loss won't be as easy to achieve than it was, I'm not seeing it as a way to cope with other problems. I could maybe lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to be thin. I don't mind the extra "flab".
(I never thought I could say that)
Well, right now I'm at home, with my family. I managed to get through my exams and I came back home for the holidays. I return to Glasgow on Friday.
My first exam was philosophy. Thankfully a few things I'd studied came up, so while I may not have got an A I will at least have passed. I can kind of say the same for literature. I managed to write really good answers for two of the sections, but I looked at the third and thought "I can't answer any of these questions." For once the stupidly short exam time came in handy; I didn't have time to sit and worry, I just started writing and I figured out what point I was trying to make halfway through it. English language went alright, Even though some questions were hard, it was multiple choice so it took me no time at all. I'll get my marks back at the end of January.
I'm still with the boyfriend. For the first two weeks I've been back I kept feeling violently ill because I missed him. I'm not even exaggerating. I struggle to maintain relationships without regularly seeing the person, so it's been really hard. The fact that I am undoubtedly head over heels in love with him makes it harder. At the moment I'm just looking forward to seeing him next weekend and I'm trying to stay positive.
It feels really strange. I have never cared about anyone in this way before. I adore him, but sometimes he seems like a stranger. I could listen to him talking about anything for hours on end. Even just the thought that he could leave me someday makes me feel dizzy. The room wobbles and spins. It shouldn't be possible to feel this way.
My eating problems seem under control as well. Since it's the festive period I have gained a few pounds, and that combined with the weight gain from going back on the contraceptive pill means that I am definitely much squidgier than before. I may try to lose weight sensibly when I get back down, but part of me doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me, but I'm not sure if I want to be thin.
It's hard to describe, but I feel comfortable knowing that while I'm not fat, I'm not thin. I couldn't be called it any more. There's no horrible doubts all day that I'm suddenly not thin any more, and I can't do my usual quick-fix weight loss, lose half stone in a week and be skinny again. I think that because weight loss won't be as easy to achieve than it was, I'm not seeing it as a way to cope with other problems. I could maybe lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to be thin. I don't mind the extra "flab".
(I never thought I could say that)
A Wasted Day of Work
My first exam is on Friday. I've been studying hard, but I can't make anything stick.
I've just thrown up dinner. I don't know why I did it, I told myself I didn't have to, and that I could choose not to. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so weak.
I'm angry at my boyfriend. He has taken to not responding to some of my messages when we speak on Facebook chat. It is small and childish, but it makes my brain start screaming about how he mustn't care and to leg it before he hurts me. I'm sure he means nothing by it. He will be stressed with his exams, and he always speaks to his flatmates too. Plenty of reasons.
As I type this he has messaged me.
I love him. I wish I didn't, because it means that I'll start looking for ways to tear the relationship and him (me) apart. I can notice most things I do now, but I am scared I'll fuck it all up before I realise what I'm doing.
I will try to keep things in perspective and I will not allow myself to act purely on emotion. This is the first time I've been with someone who I don't look down on. I don't make him seem like less than what he is (makes it easier to leave/hurt them). I can't break this.
I am a terrible human being.
On a positive note, the ceilidh was the best night out I have ever had, and I really enjoyed myself. All of that worrying was for nothing!
I've just thrown up dinner. I don't know why I did it, I told myself I didn't have to, and that I could choose not to. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so weak.
I'm angry at my boyfriend. He has taken to not responding to some of my messages when we speak on Facebook chat. It is small and childish, but it makes my brain start screaming about how he mustn't care and to leg it before he hurts me. I'm sure he means nothing by it. He will be stressed with his exams, and he always speaks to his flatmates too. Plenty of reasons.
As I type this he has messaged me.
I love him. I wish I didn't, because it means that I'll start looking for ways to tear the relationship and him (me) apart. I can notice most things I do now, but I am scared I'll fuck it all up before I realise what I'm doing.
I will try to keep things in perspective and I will not allow myself to act purely on emotion. This is the first time I've been with someone who I don't look down on. I don't make him seem like less than what he is (makes it easier to leave/hurt them). I can't break this.
I am a terrible human being.
On a positive note, the ceilidh was the best night out I have ever had, and I really enjoyed myself. All of that worrying was for nothing!
Ceilidh!
I forgot to mention in my last post that I'm going to a ceilidh tonight.
I don't really want to go, but I must make myself socialise! If I shut myself away I'll just get more and more miserable. I keep telling myself that nobody wants me there, but all of my friends kept asking me to come and they more or less press-ganged me into agreeing to go. Plus, I promised someone who is new to the society that I'd hang out with him because he doesn't know anyone. I'm going to his for drinks beforehand, and the nice girl from my tutorial will be there.
I am concerned about the drinking part. I am a complete arse sometimes, and drink increases the chances of this happening. I should be ok. I hope I am.
My boyfriend can't come because he doesn't have any smart trousers. This is the reason! He has said this before! My stupid fucking head is determined to be angry at him for something he hasn't done though, and I think he's making excuses for everything and that he doesn't care about me. I don't want this to happen with him! He doesn't deserve it. If I start finding myself picking fights (as I always do) with him, I don't know what I'll do.
I think I love him (it's only 2 months though, plus I can never trust my own feelings), so naturally I need to push him away. I need to reject him before he hurts and abandons me. I need to call him out on crimes he is bound to have commited, because nobody could possibly care for me, he must be using me!
I'm such a fucking moron.
I don't really want to go, but I must make myself socialise! If I shut myself away I'll just get more and more miserable. I keep telling myself that nobody wants me there, but all of my friends kept asking me to come and they more or less press-ganged me into agreeing to go. Plus, I promised someone who is new to the society that I'd hang out with him because he doesn't know anyone. I'm going to his for drinks beforehand, and the nice girl from my tutorial will be there.
I am concerned about the drinking part. I am a complete arse sometimes, and drink increases the chances of this happening. I should be ok. I hope I am.
My boyfriend can't come because he doesn't have any smart trousers. This is the reason! He has said this before! My stupid fucking head is determined to be angry at him for something he hasn't done though, and I think he's making excuses for everything and that he doesn't care about me. I don't want this to happen with him! He doesn't deserve it. If I start finding myself picking fights (as I always do) with him, I don't know what I'll do.
I think I love him (it's only 2 months though, plus I can never trust my own feelings), so naturally I need to push him away. I need to reject him before he hurts and abandons me. I need to call him out on crimes he is bound to have commited, because nobody could possibly care for me, he must be using me!
I'm such a fucking moron.
Back on Track?
Last night I managed not to make myself sick, despite eating more than I should have. I am quite happy about this, but I'm still pretty upset with the general way my eating is going.
I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.
Anyway the meal plan.
Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.
Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.
Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.
Snack
Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.
Snack
Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.
So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.
I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.
I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.
I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.
Anyway the meal plan.
Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.
Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.
Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.
Snack
Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.
Snack
Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.
So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.
I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.
I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.
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