I'm not Bulimic

...but my doctor thinks otherwise.

I went for my blood tests on Wednesday, and I saw on their screen that I have binge eating and they're checking electrolyte levels after vomiting afterwards. Godfuckingdamnit. On my medical records, forever.

Anyway, work's been going well. I'm getting the hang of taking calls and working the system and whatnot. A lot of folk at work are turning out to be kind of bitchy, but some are really nice, and I have to admit I'm pretty attracted to someone who works there. 

I am having boyfriend trouble. As in, it's-pretty-much-over trouble. 

I've been comfort eating and feel like shit because of it.

I'm not happy it's the weekend. At least at work I have something to do and it doesn't matter how bad everything else is. I'm going to feel so lost, especially as my mood has plummeted, and I'm in one of my worst depressive episodes in a while. 

Back Down Again

I love work, it's great. I'm doing really well at the training, and I get on well with everyone there. It's friendly and no too stressful. It keeps me busy. I'm able to eat a little bit for lunch, usually a piece of fruit and a packet of crisps. It's nice, I don't care about hunger, and I'm not so paranoid about my weight. I've had comments from people about how I'm thin and must weigh so little. Yesterday I had two guys smile awkwardly at me and say hi as I was waiting to get a lift home. I still feel some guilt for eating anything after tea, but I'm more comfortable with my body. 

My mood started going down again yesterday though. The paranoia is there. I mentioned being in hospital to the man I get a lift home from. That should have been a sign it was going bad again. I'm suddenly scanning through me mind picking at all my interactions with other people and tearing them apart, convinced there's something wrong there. I feel physically sick when I eat, and I know it's just anxiety but it's not helpful when my family are determined to have so many snacks. I'm really scared, if I'm honest. In the morning yesterday it was awful but I managed to cheer myself up a little and keep talking to people. 

The second I got home it all crashed down. I went for a walk, as usual, thinking it would cheer me up, and I found myself thinking about my overdose, and how I calculated how much I needed to kill me without taking enough to make me pass out and be sick. The look on the doctor's face when he asked how much I'd taken will never leave me. It feels like it was the most honest moment of my life. I know overdoses rarely work, and the doctors and nurses were treating me like a joke until they heard how much I'd taken. I felt a bit ashamed. I never thought about how much it would hurt anyone, to be fair I was so trapped in my depression that everything was distorted and I thought it would be better for everyone. It was the look on the doctor's face that got through to me. I keep reminding myself of it just now. Instead of having a calm walk to make me feel better I spent the entire time making plans to kill myself. I have ideas there, ready, and I'm scared that the slightest thing will trigger them and I'll do it. 

I don't think I want to die, but I really can't tell.

First Day of Work

Work was pretty fun today. I was surprised at how confident I felt. It was great going out and being around lots of people. The training work was pretty boring, but it's something to do.

I ate an apple and a packet of crisps. I felt bad for the crisps but I can work them off later. There's free coffee there too, which is great at cutting my appetite. 

I phoned up the psychologist place and cancelled my appointment, and told them I'd be in touch when I knew when I'd be free. I get a horrible feeling I'm not going to be able to go back. While I'm fine with that now, when my mood drops I'm going to need that support.

Holy Crap I Have a Job

Yes. Work!

About an hour after my interview at the call centre they called me back and asked me to start tomorrow!

So good! While I'm in training I'll be there from 9 to 5, so I can get a lift in the mornings with my stepmum. I'm a bit nervous but mostly just excited. I'll have something to do! Plus it'll be easier to not eat as much, it won't be noticed. I've got my clothes sorted for tomorrow, already laid out.

I'll have to get in touch with the college and leave. I'll also not be able to see the psychologist for a while, which will be not so good, but I can survive until I start properly working and get varied shift times and whatnot.

Vania Zouravliov

Vania Zouravliov has some of the most beautiful drawings I've seen.

These ones seem oddly appropriate for today.

Weekend and FAT

I hate the weekend. My family are around and so I have to eat breakfast and lunch and whatever snacks they push my way. It's horribly fattening stuff as well! Like today, we had chicken fingers and baked potato for lunch, and we're having pizza and chips for tea. Sometime this afternoon we're having chocolate fudge cake and ice cream.

GODDAMN IT!

I can feel the pounds piling back on after my hard work to lose weight. I can't even purge, my parents would hear! It wouldn't be quite as bad if I could avoid the snacks but my parents get suspicious if I refuse any food whatsoever, then start watching my eating habits again.

I already feel huge. My stomach is bloated and fat. The worst thing is, I'll probably enjoy that cake later, but I'll hate myself for it.

I can't wait until the weekend's over. 

Good Girls Don't Swallow

Wow, ok, so the pawnbroker guy phoned up and offered me a part-time job for when they sort stuff out, so about a month away. I accepted, of course, but if I get the call-center job I'll feel bad for having to call up and say I can't work. I'll worry about it if and when it happens.

Anyway, something I meant to mention yesterday. See, in the morning there was some coffee and walnut cake left out for me. I meant to coat it in salt or washing-up liquid so I couldn't eat it (I couldn't throw it out straight away, I can't waste food that way) but I left it too late, and I knew that I would eat the cake. So, I had a brainwave. 

I would chew it, enjoy the delicious cake, savour the taste, then spit it out. 

I did, and it was brilliant. I got to enjoy the cake without actually eating it. All the taste-zero calories :P