Jealousy?

There's a girl I see in one of my lectures who obviously has an eating disorder. I only noticed her at first because she has fairly bright hair, but her legs are thinner than my arms. So skinny. Her face is kind of sunken in. I always see her, with her chewing gum and ice water, constantly twitching.

I don't like her.

I don't know why.

Maybe because she is something I know I will never be. She's so skinny. I admire her, but she scares me. It's horrible. I worry about her.

I saw her in Tesco when I went to buy binge food earlier. She was buying sushi seaweed stuff and oatcakes. I only had a sieve and plastic tubs in my basket at that point, so I didn't feel too awful. I hovered around her, pretending to look at the skimmed milk as well. I don't know why I did that. I wanted to talk to her, but that would have just been creepy. I wanted to tell her that I look out for her in every lecture and secretly worry that she won't turn up because she's in hospital or worse.

I feel so alone with my eating disorder, especially because I'm not actually thin. I don't get compliments on my weight to validate what I'm doing. That sounds so awful.

I went back to my flat with the food you'll see above, and I have a moderate stash besides that. I ate one of the bars of chocolate and a muffin. The urge to binge had went away, and I couldn't bring myself purge after seeing her.

I did it after dinner though. It would just be too much to ask to have one day without all of this shit.