Mild Improvement?

First of all, I would like to say that I haven't purged at all this week so far, and it is currently Thursday. I have had what I can refer to as mini-binges, where I start bingeing and am interrupted, but I have not made myself sick. That said, I came very close to this morning, and would have if I hadn't taken my contraceptive pill and multivitamin just half an hour before. Not purging after a binge is slightly preferable to risking pregnancy.

My boyfriend got very upset last night when he found out about my stash of appetite suppressants. I ended up quite upset myself, but I tried to talk a bit about it and reassure him. I was angry, because he was acting very cold towards me, but he told me it's just because he was unhappy that it was happening to me.

I woke up this morning and felt like it would be a terrible day. I was furious with my flatmates, because we have an inspection on Monday morning, and the flat has to be spotless or we can get fined. None of them had any intention of cleaning or even tidying. This is their general attitude towards housework, and I hate them for it. Anyway, this anger and frustration triggered my breakfast binge; something very very uncommon. I got everything prepared to purge, but couldn't because of the pill. It's quite scary knowing that I would have ruined all of my hard wrk this week if it wasn't for that.

I had no hope for the day. I went to my first lecture and couldn't focus. I ate a pretty good lunch. I had carrot and cucumber sticks (both supposedly negative calorie foods, as in digesting them burns more calories than they contain) and some oatcakes, with coffee. My hunger was actually satisfied. My boyfriend had some time to kill before my tutorial so we met up for about 20 minutes, which cheered me up. My last lecture of the day was great, so it's not been a bad day so far.

I'm hoping to have a decent dinner tonight. Pasta bolognese. I'm also drinking more coffee, as it is very good at reducing the chances of me bingeing, however I know the caffeine will not do my anxiety levels any good.

The bin in the kitchen is full. My flatmates will most likely continue to pile things on top of it. I'd better empty it when the rain stops; nobody else will.

Love/Hate

I told my boyfriend about my eating disorder.

I was so worried about the effects it is having on my health that I had to. It wouldn't be fair not to, because he'd end up thinking something else was up. To be fair, it's a bit of a relief. It was tearing me apart keeping it from him. I promised him I'll be better soon.

I haven't purged in 2 days, but I have had a couple of binges., I am fat and disgusting. I saw my thighs in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry at the cellulite. I'm out for a meal tonight, and if things go to plan it'll be the biggest meal I have in a while. I must, lose weight. There's no two ways about it.

I'm also pretty fucked; I think I love my boyfriend. I'm not sure, I don't trust my feelings, but this keeps overwhelming me. It just means I'll get hurt and the thought makes me feel sick. I suppose that this is another reason to lose weight; I have to be attractive to him so he's less likely to leave me.

Haha, right back into my usual styles of thinking. Shoot me now.

Fear

I feel sad.

I just realised how scared I am of somebody seeing me eat a proper meal. I always eat in my room, with the excuse that it means I can avoid my flatmates more. I just made myself stay in the kitchen to eat lunch (just noodle soup) and I was terrified that somebody would walk in the whole time I was eating.

The day was meant to be good. I went to the big Boots store on Sauchiehall Street to look for rehydration salt things and multivitamins. I think I'm losing hair; there's a lot more than normal falling out. I got the multivitamins and some gentle mouthwash to use after I purge, because I know brushing damages your teeth a lot after you've been sick. I couldn't find the rehydration stuff, and I didn't ask. I was afraid I'd be called out on why I was looking for them.

I got back to the flat and realised how exhausted I was. Even walking down 2 flights of stairs to leave the building leaves me out of breath. I then got very angry, because the bin was starting to overflow and as usual nobody else had thought to empty it. I did, slamming many doors and stomping lots in the process. I think they realise I'm angry at them. I was happy to see the cooker has been cleaned though.

One of them is having a birthday party next week, and I should be staying at my boyfriend's that night. Hopefully she'll clean up before and after. That would be nice. I'm fed up of being the only person to actually clean anything. It makes me so angry, and right now I don't have the strength to feel anything. It just makes me feel faint.

I'm going to Tesco to buy tinned tomatoes and pasta later, and I may have a look at buying some scales. It will probably end badly if I do.

Jealousy?

There's a girl I see in one of my lectures who obviously has an eating disorder. I only noticed her at first because she has fairly bright hair, but her legs are thinner than my arms. So skinny. Her face is kind of sunken in. I always see her, with her chewing gum and ice water, constantly twitching.

I don't like her.

I don't know why.

Maybe because she is something I know I will never be. She's so skinny. I admire her, but she scares me. It's horrible. I worry about her.

I saw her in Tesco when I went to buy binge food earlier. She was buying sushi seaweed stuff and oatcakes. I only had a sieve and plastic tubs in my basket at that point, so I didn't feel too awful. I hovered around her, pretending to look at the skimmed milk as well. I don't know why I did that. I wanted to talk to her, but that would have just been creepy. I wanted to tell her that I look out for her in every lecture and secretly worry that she won't turn up because she's in hospital or worse.

I feel so alone with my eating disorder, especially because I'm not actually thin. I don't get compliments on my weight to validate what I'm doing. That sounds so awful.

I went back to my flat with the food you'll see above, and I have a moderate stash besides that. I ate one of the bars of chocolate and a muffin. The urge to binge had went away, and I couldn't bring myself purge after seeing her.

I did it after dinner though. It would just be too much to ask to have one day without all of this shit.

Sickness

I need an update, methinks.

First of all, after my man-hating outburst, I have another boyfriend. I will tell you the story.

I wasn't upset when my ex left me. I thought I was but it was a relief. I could get on with things. Yeah there was this big gap where there was usually a relationship, but I could cope.

I went out a little while after with my flatmate (before I started hating them all), and there was a horribly attractive guy standing relatively close to me, alone, and looking pretty moody. I wasn't happy with this, and as I was sitting down I couldn't shuffle away, so I tried to get rid of the tension I was feeling by speaking to him.

And we talked. We drank. By the end of the night we were eating each other's faces.

The next day I was nervous as fuck, I'm not going to lie. I had decided someone as fantastic as him was too good to be true, and that he'd either want nothing to do with me or turn out to be an arse. We ended up texting lots, and I stopped worrying so much, and he took me out for dinner.

I was nervous again, but it was great, then we went back to my flat and hung out. No sex then, which is important.

We've been seeing each other for about 6 weeks now, and we've achieved couple status. He's great.

There are some massive differences in this relationship compared to others.

1. I can't play my usual mind/emotion/manipulation games. He doesn't pick up on my usual stuff, so I have no choice but to accept things as they are, which allows me to see how nice they are. He told me he has AS, which may be something to do with this, but I'm reluctant to say this is the case.
2. I didn't jump straight into bed with him. I waited a week before making a move on him and I was nervous about that. I know that's not much for most people, but bear in mind I use sex as another way to control people usually.
3. I enjoy sex with him. This has never happened before. The most I would get is enjoyment at being that close with somebody. I now get actual sexual pleasure.
4. I'm not doing my usual "flipping" thing so much. Worshipping the ground he walks on one minute, then hating him the next, then back again etc. It's not completely stopped, but it's a lot less present than usual.

I have a feeling I've left so much out, but I'm not thinking straight. The full force of my eating disorder has reared its ugly head again. I am making myself sick at least 6 or 7 times a week, and not always after a binge, just after a regular meal sometimes. It's making me ill. I keep feeling sick and dizzy, and I get cramps, have no breath, chest pains, and general confusion. Hooray.

I want to get into the habit of regularly updating this again soon, and hopefully I will. I have had a meeting with a head psychiatrist woman, who is having me referred to another who will be "my" psychiatrist. I've also been referred to a sexual assault counselling thing, where I'll get psychological treatment. With these things taking place I'm going to aim to keep track of it all on here.

Barking Mad

I've been thinking a lot.

My boyfriend dumped me. He can't handle my depression. He was also lying and secretly visiting his ex, who he admits he loves more than me, behind my back. He may ask her to try again with him. Hooray.

It upset me so much. It does really hurt, but I'm not sure if it's for entirely the right reasons.

Whenever I've been with a guy there's always been something missing, something wrong. I always put it down to illness, but I'm, not so sure now. I can love them, I can be in love with them, but it's always like something's not right. That's why I get so angry at tiny things. I'm upset that I'm not making something impossible work.

And sex. I hate sex with guys. With my last boyfriend it was great, but he wasn't very big, so I didn't feel much inside. He gave lovely hugs and could use his mouth well. He didn't come across as some stereotypical macho man, he seemed to be happy with me as myself, so I was comfortable with him and could feel nice in bed with him. This was something very strange. I can't stand sex much, but of course I'll gladly spread my legs to have someone act as though they need me.

I'm not using just a couple of guys to illustrate my point here, god knows I've had enough. I'm starting to think I've been barking up the wrong tree completely.

I've thought of myself as bisexual for a long time. I've had moments where I've sworn off of guys completely, but the second I needed to feel wanted I'd be right back in there. It's so easy to find a guy who will want me and care about me. Maybe that's my problem.

I'm not saying "I'm 100% gay". Not at all, but I think it's something I need to explore, with as little intervention from men as possible.

I need to update, but I have to stop crying first.
Ogodogodogod.
Make it stop hurting please. This is honest love and it's all so fucked up and I hate it and I hate myself and I wish I didn't feel.