I've been thinking a lot.
My boyfriend dumped me. He can't handle my depression. He was also lying and secretly visiting his ex, who he admits he loves more than me, behind my back. He may ask her to try again with him. Hooray.
It upset me so much. It does really hurt, but I'm not sure if it's for entirely the right reasons.
Whenever I've been with a guy there's always been something missing, something wrong. I always put it down to illness, but I'm, not so sure now. I can love them, I can be in love with them, but it's always like something's not right. That's why I get so angry at tiny things. I'm upset that I'm not making something impossible work.
And sex. I hate sex with guys. With my last boyfriend it was great, but he wasn't very big, so I didn't feel much inside. He gave lovely hugs and could use his mouth well. He didn't come across as some stereotypical macho man, he seemed to be happy with me as myself, so I was comfortable with him and could feel nice in bed with him. This was something very strange. I can't stand sex much, but of course I'll gladly spread my legs to have someone act as though they need me.
I'm not using just a couple of guys to illustrate my point here, god knows I've had enough. I'm starting to think I've been barking up the wrong tree completely.
I've thought of myself as bisexual for a long time. I've had moments where I've sworn off of guys completely, but the second I needed to feel wanted I'd be right back in there. It's so easy to find a guy who will want me and care about me. Maybe that's my problem.
I'm not saying "I'm 100% gay". Not at all, but I think it's something I need to explore, with as little intervention from men as possible.
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