Glasgow

Tomorrow I'm going to Glasgow for two nights. I shall undoubtedly have plenty to write about when I get back. I'm very nervous but excited at the same time.

Boyfriend Bother and the European Market

Last night my boyfriend was getting really worked up. He says I've lost too much weight. I reassured him that I've only lost a couple of pounds recently but he pointed out that as I've been exercising I've been building up muscle. He knows most things about my eating problems, but he doesn't understand how alone it makes me feel. I know he's there for me but he can't relate to the conflict that goes on in my head every second of every day. He quite often only eats one meal a day as well, so when he says there's something wrong with me I have to fight the urge to call him a hypocrite.

We're going to Glasgow together on Monday. I have a university applicant's day and he's coming with me. We're staying 2 nights in a hotel. I know that food will be a huge issue while we're there. He won't try to make me eat, he knows that it just won't help, but he'll get really upset over it. He'll blame himself and I don't want that. I can't wait to have a couple days where I have complete control over what I eat but I'm worried it'll turn into one huge binge.

That said, the European Market was in town today. It has all kind of fancy sweets, and pastry stalls and paella and different kinds of cake. It all smells delicious. I was up town with my boyfriend and was worried I wouldn't be able to resist, normally I'd dive in headfirst into the calorie-laden deliciousness, but I was fine. Because it's the weekend and my family are around I'd had to have lunch before heading out, so that probably helped. 

Right now I'm sitting drinking chai tea. One teaspoon of sugar in it, but I'm trying not to think of that.

Fat

My boyfriend's noticed I've lost more weight. He doesn't know what to say about my eating problems so when I mentioned I was happy that I'm thinner he said "it's pretty cool". I know that's not what he's really thinking but it sticks in my mind and motivates me.

I spent a while earlier looking an eating disorder help stuff, and articles on people being too thin. Usually this would be enough to change my eating habits, at least temporarily until it reverts back to bingeing and purging. It did nothing to me. I'm stronger than I have been before.

I don't want to be ill. I don't want to lose my hourglass figure. I don't want to let this tear me apart again.

But I want to be thin, and somehow that's all that matters.

Belly Full of Water

So, after eating breakfast this morning and promptly throwing it up I've decided to take a new approach to my eating problems; I'm not eating if I can help it. I know this is just as bad but right now the binges and purges are causing a lot of problems and making me feel like crap.

Despite being without-a-doubt depressed again I've had a relatively productive day. I phoned up a number to apply for work only to find the jobcentre had kindly given me the number of a person who has nothing to do with work in my area, so I got another number to call. I did so and left a message, and within five minutes he called back and asked me to send him my CV, which I've done. I feel good about it. 

I'm now off to email the module leader from college (I just do the one module) and ask him about something, while my confidence is up a bit.

Hallucinations

They're coming back again. At least three times in the past 7 days I've heard people screaming. Usually it's young women or girls, just now it was a baby. I say at least because I don't know if some of the times I had actually been hearing someone. At least I know they're not real, but I have to run around and ask people if someone was screaming or crying on the tv or radio.

A Bit Confused

I think I was just tired/slightly hungover yesterday, because within an hour of writing my last post I was up and racing again. Bright, cheerful, and very energetic. The monologue narrating my life kicked in again when I was watching the concert, making sure I was never bored or mentally inactive. 

I've already written and submitted 2 job applications today. Usually it takes a day to properly complete one but I'm on a roll here. I feel incredibly hungry but I don't have an appetite, a will to go and eat.  I have other things to do. I've been smoking a lot too, which is crap because I want to stop. I'll have to contact the stop smoking nhs thing soon, but I should also speak to the psychiatrist and psychologist about how it will affect my stress levels and anxiety etc. 

There are people in fitting lights and stuff which doesn't really bother me, as it usually would, and I'm tempted to talk to them but they're up ladders and stuff and wouldn't want them to fall.

I'm typing too fast and my mind is whirring at a very high speed so I ought to try to calm down.

Very Tired and Moody

As it turned out, there was no sex last night. I did, however, discover my boyfriend has a bit of a fetish for being bitten. Not too hard mind.

My jobcentre interview was rather boring. They didn't want any of the mountain of crap I'd printed out. I have to go in weekly now, but because I'm in Glasgow next week it's to start as of the 6th of April. I've to remind people when I go to sign on tomorrow. 

I've been shattered since my pizza and tv binge last night, and despite not having much of an appetite it seemed appropriate to eat a lot today. It wasn't quite a binge eat, but the volume of food consumed was that of a bingeing episode. Oh fun.

I'm going to a primary school concert tonight, to see my sister sing. It's going to be awful, but my parents are paying the entry fee and at least this can be filed under "family devotion", ready to pull out when the parental bitching next commences. 

Sorry for the general attitude of this post, like I said I'm very moody. That and my mood's gone back down again and I really cannot be arsed with anything. If I don't moan and bitch so much it'll just get internalised and we all know how wonderfully well that works out. 

Anyway, off for dinner. I still have a horrible furry feel to my mouth after eating lots of sweets, so it'll be a thoroughly unpleasant experience. After that I'm going to sit through about 2 hours of whiny children singing. No wonder I'm suicidal at times. 

Nervous

I'm really nervous, as my post title will tell you. Tomorrow I have a jobcentre interview. Because nobody has hired me since I've started receiving jobseeker's allowance they want me to go along and prove I'm looking for work. I already go in every 2 weeks and they take details of what I've done from my jobsearch diary, I'd assumed that they checked up on those but I'm guessing not now. I've been printing off every application letter I have saved and I'm taking my interview and rejection letters from the vets. I'm hoping it'll be enough.

I'm staying over at my boyfriend's tonight, which I'm really happy about. We're going to get pizza and beer, watch tv, do the obvious and snuggle up. I really love him. He's so supportive of everything that goes on with me. He's not happy about it, and I know he worries, but he's there for me if I ever need someone. 

I'm still nervous about the appointment I'm having set up so my parents can speak to the psychiatrist. There's a fairly big chance my dad won't be able to make it, and if he can't then my stepmum says she won't go. I can understand why she'd feel uncomfortable, but she adopted my sisters and me, she can't just pick and choose when she wants to be a parent now. It's her responsibility to be there for me, even if I'm legally an adult and she doesn't like what I'm asking her to get involved in. She can't play the "I'm not really your parent" card now, because legally she is. I know I'm maybe overreacting a bit, but I don't want a part-time parent. 

Medication

The psychiatrist said that because I haven't had a manic episode lasting more than 2 weeks I can't be given a diagnosis of bipolar, however I am being prescribed medication, probably Valproate. She also hinted at a personality disorder. Before I get the prescription she wants to meet with my parents, which I know is for the best but it won't go down well. She did stress that if necessary she could prescribe without my parent's consent or even knowledge as I'm 18, but I hope it won't come to that.

I feel happy that we're making progress, and that I've finally got someone who can help on my side.

Hospital Thoughts

I'm convinced I binge ate today even though I didn't, I just feel so fat and unworthy of wearing anything other than a potato sack. The insecurity and food paranoia have made an impressive comeback over the weekend. I've put on 7 pounds in the past couple of weeks though, I need to fix that.

Last night I was speaking about my stay in a psych ward with a friend who's girlfriend was in a similar place, and my boyfriend who's grandad died there. They play God there, I generally refuse to speak about what really went on but I was tipsy and for once I had someone who wouldn't dismiss it as bullshit. I've had 2 panic attacks since then, it's completely set me on edge and brought the experience back. I suppose it's good to talk about it and not bottle it up, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel sick and shaky when I think about it.

I was told that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was faking one day, the next I was told I was very sick and would never leave. They tried to convince me nobody would come in to see me, that nobody wanted to see me, and that I did not deserve to have people visit. The second sexual abuse was put down in my file they had a whale of a time. That's only a brief mention, I can't go into the worse stuff. Maybe one day.

I'm always scared I'll be sent back. No matter how good things in general were, I would sooner kill myself than go back, and that's no exaggeration. You don't come out the same person. I was so luck that I had my boyfriend. Without him it would have been easier for the nurses to break me and make me believe what they were saying. 

I just keep recalling how one woman was desperate to contact her family, her solicitor and her psychiatrist. The nurses would have her call taxi ranks and shops and convince her she'd phoned the right people and imagined it differently. The memory of their laughter as she stood sobbing by the phone twists my stomach.

Sunday

I saw Alice in Wonderland last night. It was really great, I'm tempted to go and see it again. I also had an amazing peking duck pizza at mine and my boyfriend's usual haunt, so it was a brilliant night. 

I'm just annoyed that I feel so guilty over anything I eat. I want to eat normally and be happy about it, but my mind doesn't seem to want to let me. 

What my parents said about there being nothing wrong with me keeps repeating itself in my head. I know that if I listen to it and try to pretend everything's fine it'll only get worse, like it has done in the past. Still, it makes me feel really childish for wanting to get help, which just isn't right. 

Progress

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday. I was very nervous but she was really nice. I explained how I was feeling about my mood swings and whatnot and she agreed that although they change very fast, it does sound like bipolar. It was a relief to hear that, even though being told there's something wrong like that is never too great, because the more I can understand what the problem is the more I can do towards fixing it. I know it doesn't make sense, so I'll try to use an analogy. It's like someone wanted you to draw this strange, abstract picture, and didn't tell you anything about what it was supposed to look like. Yet they expected you to draw what they pictured in their mind. Me being told what the problem is with me is like that person giving you clues as to what the picture should look like. 

I told my parents what all happened, and they took their usual "you're a silly girl making a fuss over nothing" approach. I was given a lecture on how everyone's mood goes up and down but not everyone gets labelled bipolar. Then my stepmum started saying I had to get my blood tested for bipolar disorder chemicals or something. I was thoroughly confused. They're never supportive when it comes to stuff like this. I think they're just worried and think that by constantly denying there's a problem they can make it not exist. It doesn't help me though. It makes things so much harder for me. I wish I could put them in my mind for a moment and let them feel what it is I go through. To finally have the courage to tell them something's wrong only to have it dismissed as attention-seeking really hurts.

Still, the good news is that I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week, and by then she'll have had a look over my file and have a better idea how to help. Also she's going to find out a bit of information about my stay in a psych ward, so that I can be told what the grounds were for my admission, what was actually wrong with me, and why they thought it went away. It feels really nice now, knowing that there's someone who's trying something different and is working to help me. Despite my horribly low mood I feel that there's a chance for me to sort things out now.

Losing Grip

Things have gotten so much worse. The only thing stopping me killing myself is how much it would hurt my family and boyfriend.

As it is I'm already trying to make sure my boyfriend has something else to help him cope with things in case I do. I'm not sure if this is me trying to help him or just me trying to find a way to do it. 

I'm so scared it's not going to matter though. Plans are going through my head of how to make it look accidental. If the psychiatrist can't help me on Thursday I don't know what I'll do. 

Failing

I binged and purged this morning. I went to the supermarket with the intention of just buying something decent for breakfast and came home and stuffed my face with pasta and pizza. I didn't chew properly or drink enough with it, so now after purging my throat is very sore. The worst part is I don't really regret it.

I have some diet pills that are meant to be arriving soon. I hope they hurry up because they cut appetite and they could prevent more binges. It's not weight loss I want, I just don't want to gain weight. The thought terrifies me. 

I have to cancel my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow to go to my job interview, but I still have the psychiatrist on thursday, to talk about how I was on sleep medication for a while. I'm considering mentioning my mood swings, as nothing happens with the psychologist. I don't think I'll mention the eating problems though. The last thing I need is them jumping to the conclusion I have an eating disorder again.

Sad

I'm feeling miserable again. Very tired, unmotivated, and unable to enjoy anything. I'm just sitting waiting for the time to pass. I'm looking forward to dinner, because it'll mark the end of the day and start of the evening, proving the day is going by. 

When I see the psychiatrist about my sleep review thing I'm going to have to mention my mood changes to her. I can't cope with it much longer, it drains me so much, I'm never truly happy.

Whoring and Confidence

I'm feeling a lot better about my body now. I know it's probably only temporary but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Today I went out in shorts and tights, and with my long jacket over it I looked like a gothed-up kerb crawler. I didn't mind. I have a dress to wear to a small party tonight. I'll be a bit dressed up but I love it.

I think my mood's going down again. My mind isn't racing so much and I don't have the general euphoric feeling, plus my anxiety levels are rising. At least I should be able to have a good night tonight before I come crashing down, and if it starts happening earlier than expected there is a great deal of alcohol that will help me feel better.

Better day

Today has gone well. I decided that I needed to eat breakfast in order to reduce the urge to binge later, so I made cinnamon French toast. It was delicious, and filled me up enough that I didn't feel bad for eating it because I didn't feel hungry for hours after. I only had time for a cup-a-soup before college, but when I got back I had some smoked sausage to use. I thought I should eat something having only had the soup at 11.30, so I fried it with spices and veg and rice. It was so good.

I'm feeling really optimistic about getting better. 

Thinking Straight

I do want to get better, so I've decided what it is I'm going to start with.

The first thing I need to do is stop the food diary. No matter how little I write down, I feel guilty. From now on it's not happening. One of the advantages of it was if I was thinking I ate far too much I could reassure myself that it wasn't so bad by having this concrete list, but I'll just have to man up and survive.

Secondly I'm going to stop the self-harm. Easier said than done, but it's only a matter of time before it escalates. I already have some massive, disgusting scars on my arm and giving myself matching ones on my thigh will not help my body image.

Thirdly, I need to weigh myself less. I'll start by restricting myself to once a day, in the evening.

I found out earlier that I have a job interview next week. If I get this job it'll help a lot. It's only part-time but I need more structure to my day. Plus the interview is for a job I'd love to have. 

I'm hoping the next couple of days go well with this, if they do then I'm going to try to take a bit more control over my general eating habits, but if I try  to do it now it'll end badly. I'm praying this goes well. 

And Again

I want it to stop. I want all of this to stop but I can't make it. What's really a way for me to take control has taken complete control of me. Every day I wake up and think "today I won't do it, I'll eat normally and it'll be fine", but before I know it I'm in the bathroom desperately emptying my stomach of whatever tiny amount of food I've eaten. Every night I decide that I won't cut myself, no matter how much or how little I've eaten, but I always end up painting lines in my food diary with my blood. 

I'm not unhappy with my body, I don't want to be insanely thin, but I can't be happy until I've lost weight. But even then I'll think I need to lose more. I'm not an unhappy person, I have a pretty good life, but I make myself unhappy by doing this. 

I want to stop, I just don't know how to stop myself. 

Beginning

So this is the start to my new blog, where I hope to write about things I'm too scared to mention in case people find out. It seems almost appropriate that I'm in pain for this, because it gives a bit of a jumping point for me to mention a couple of these things.

My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous. I'd already really damaged my throat by making myself sick and today, not for the first time, the pain has spread to my stomach. I'm trying to eat as little as I can but I binge ate earlier after finding out that my boyfriend doesn't trust me and read through my phone. It's not really a big deal but I'm a bit shaken by it. I find it incredibly hard to trust people, especially men, so I'm worried about what else he may or may not have been doing. I worry that he's trying to find things to pick fights with me about. I worry he's just using me. I always end up trying to somehow connect any male to the men who raped me, even the guy who I love. It's fear, I guess.

My leg hurts from cutting it. I used to cut myself all the time when I was upset or angry. I've since learned not to immediately take things out on myself if I'm not to blame, but it's left me with some horrible scars, especially on my arms. I wont be able to wear short sleeves in public for years, I think. After a horrible stay in a psych ward I more or less stopped for a while, but I've since started again as a way to punish myself for eating what I deem to be "too much". In truth this can be just the one meal a day I'm forced to eat, but because I have things like my binges I need to have a system where the more I eat the more/deeper the cuts I have to give myself.

Then there's the grotesque part; even I find this horrible and silly but I do it all the same. In my food diary if I eat too much I have to put a line of my blood on the page. Yesterday I pigged out and couldn't bring myself to purge, so most of the page got covered. Today will be similar, although I purged after my binge.

I just want to make this clear from the start: I know that losing weight isn't going to fix all of my problems. I know it's a self-esteem thing, and that it's one of the many ways in which my mind looks for a crutch so I can cope with my past. I know it's not healthy. The reason I can't stop is because sometimes it's the only thing I have left to hold on to. It's the only real, concrete thing in my mind. I'm not in any way trying to encourage others. It's the opposite, I don't want anyone else to be in the same position where this kind of behaviour seems acceptable. This isn't a promotion, it's an outlet.