So, I have finally finished the two horrible difficult and important essays. I just have one more at the start of next month to work on, thich won't be as bad. I should feel less stressed but I can't.
Every hour I think about how things won't work out with my boyfriend or how I should kill myself. I'm scared I'll do something, so I'm trying to keep busy.
I don't really want to continue this update. Another day.
Stupid
This will probably sound stupid, but I've tried getting in touch with people to talk to and there isn't anyone to help just now. I'm not sure if calling the crisis team or hospital might be an idea, but I'll leave that for now. Anyway, bear with me and I'll try to explain this ridiculous situation.
I decided to watch Shameless, because it's one of my favourite shows, and in it this week this girl talks about how when she was 10 her mum would rent her out and she'd be filmed, before killing herself. Now, take out the filming part and knock 2 years off the age and it's what happened to me. Normally this would shake me a bit and I'd have a weep and then be okay, but my mum was emailing me over the weekend. She says her computer is broken which is why I haven't heard from her since November.
I mentioned the sexual abuse therapy I've been referred to in my last email and she jumped on it, said she had no idea what happened. I really wish I could believe her, and I tried to, but it was so obvious that she arranged it herself. I don't know, a combination of these 2 little things has left me feeling kind of hollow and sad. I wanted to hurt myself, to maybe even kill myself, at the very least to binge eat, throw up then cry until my eyes ached, but I can't. I just can't react.
After my ex attacking me maybe I've just had enough. There's only so much I can take, you know? I'm sure I'll be back to my usual miserable ways soon enough, but right now I just feel this huge void where all of my urges should be.
It would be nice if I could forget everything that happened, or even just forgive my mum and have a relationship with her, but that can't happen. What happened in my past actually took place, and instead of running away from it maybe it's about time I accepted it and allowed myself to resent it and the people involved. I'm allowed to reject my mum now, and I'm perfectly entitled to after what she put me through. I know it's tempting to smile and try to get on with her and my ex now as best as I can, but actually, I'm a person. I have feelings, and I don't have to try to make things perfect for everyone all of the time. I'm able to just think of myself, and sometimes I need to. This is one of those times.
I think I kind of need someone to call me or sit with me for tonight, but even if I am alone I refuse to hurt myself when it is other people who deserve the pain. Even if it's just for one night, I will not allow myself to take it out on my own body.
I decided to watch Shameless, because it's one of my favourite shows, and in it this week this girl talks about how when she was 10 her mum would rent her out and she'd be filmed, before killing herself. Now, take out the filming part and knock 2 years off the age and it's what happened to me. Normally this would shake me a bit and I'd have a weep and then be okay, but my mum was emailing me over the weekend. She says her computer is broken which is why I haven't heard from her since November.
I mentioned the sexual abuse therapy I've been referred to in my last email and she jumped on it, said she had no idea what happened. I really wish I could believe her, and I tried to, but it was so obvious that she arranged it herself. I don't know, a combination of these 2 little things has left me feeling kind of hollow and sad. I wanted to hurt myself, to maybe even kill myself, at the very least to binge eat, throw up then cry until my eyes ached, but I can't. I just can't react.
After my ex attacking me maybe I've just had enough. There's only so much I can take, you know? I'm sure I'll be back to my usual miserable ways soon enough, but right now I just feel this huge void where all of my urges should be.
It would be nice if I could forget everything that happened, or even just forgive my mum and have a relationship with her, but that can't happen. What happened in my past actually took place, and instead of running away from it maybe it's about time I accepted it and allowed myself to resent it and the people involved. I'm allowed to reject my mum now, and I'm perfectly entitled to after what she put me through. I know it's tempting to smile and try to get on with her and my ex now as best as I can, but actually, I'm a person. I have feelings, and I don't have to try to make things perfect for everyone all of the time. I'm able to just think of myself, and sometimes I need to. This is one of those times.
I think I kind of need someone to call me or sit with me for tonight, but even if I am alone I refuse to hurt myself when it is other people who deserve the pain. Even if it's just for one night, I will not allow myself to take it out on my own body.
A Letter I'll Never Send You
You cunt. There is no other word for you. You complete and utter cunt. Of course, you'd love to be called names so you could carry on and play the victim and feel sorry for you but I will NOT have that.
You KNEW what happened in my past and yet you chose to take advantage of me, possibly worse. Hell did you rape me? I don't even know if that matters to be honest, the fact it was you has messed me up. I trusted you and I LOVED you at one point and you (most likely) spiked my drink and (certainly) decided to get a good grope in while I was unable to move and used my hand to try to jack yourself off. Really classy you bastard. You picked me up like a fucking ragdoll and tried to undo my skirt, but you're still the same stupid fuck you used to be and couldn't figure out how to work the button.
I'm well aware that in the eyes of the law you'll get off with this. You told the police it was consensual, so DNA evidence means nothing, and they didn't take a blood sample so they will most likley not pick up what was in my drink. Wonderful Scottish law means that at least 2 people have to say somehting happened, and funnily enough you didn't do this in a crowded room.
I have a friend helping me though. Nothing illegal of course, just checking if people in your jobs (your "political" one as well as the one in the school) know what you did. And if that doesn't work, hell even if it does, I will see you suffer. I know you have a conscience buried beneath your folds of fat somewhere, and God help you when I drag it out. You will pay.
I will not let you get away with this. You have taken so much from me, and I will take it back, one way or another.
You KNEW what happened in my past and yet you chose to take advantage of me, possibly worse. Hell did you rape me? I don't even know if that matters to be honest, the fact it was you has messed me up. I trusted you and I LOVED you at one point and you (most likely) spiked my drink and (certainly) decided to get a good grope in while I was unable to move and used my hand to try to jack yourself off. Really classy you bastard. You picked me up like a fucking ragdoll and tried to undo my skirt, but you're still the same stupid fuck you used to be and couldn't figure out how to work the button.
I'm well aware that in the eyes of the law you'll get off with this. You told the police it was consensual, so DNA evidence means nothing, and they didn't take a blood sample so they will most likley not pick up what was in my drink. Wonderful Scottish law means that at least 2 people have to say somehting happened, and funnily enough you didn't do this in a crowded room.
I have a friend helping me though. Nothing illegal of course, just checking if people in your jobs (your "political" one as well as the one in the school) know what you did. And if that doesn't work, hell even if it does, I will see you suffer. I know you have a conscience buried beneath your folds of fat somewhere, and God help you when I drag it out. You will pay.
I will not let you get away with this. You have taken so much from me, and I will take it back, one way or another.
You know that feeling you get, where you're perfectly content for the time being but know you will hurt yourself soon? Well, maybe you don't, but I do, so despite the fact I am so behind with work I'm going to go to my boyfriend's in a bit. I don't trust myself alone tonight. I was already going to cut (there isn't even a fucking reason why) but managed to stop myself.
Oh dear, so many days have passed. Ten since my last update. I have lots to tell, but it's not for now. I'll likely forget before I get a chance to update. I don't know. Right now all I want to do is hack up the smooth parts of my arms. They're too smooth. I want the cuts and the release. I haven't cut my arms in years. It's only my thighs; that way I can wear short sleeves.
It would be beautiful if I did my arms, but I'd have to deal with the consequences of it.
Oh dear, so many days have passed. Ten since my last update. I have lots to tell, but it's not for now. I'll likely forget before I get a chance to update. I don't know. Right now all I want to do is hack up the smooth parts of my arms. They're too smooth. I want the cuts and the release. I haven't cut my arms in years. It's only my thighs; that way I can wear short sleeves.
It would be beautiful if I did my arms, but I'd have to deal with the consequences of it.
The sexual assault by my ex.
I just can't cope with it.
When the police tell me they can't press charges or anything I don't know what I'll do.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I need it all to go away. He knew about the abuse in my past and still did it, then told the police it was consensual. I can't get accept it.
I don't want to have to deal with this. I want to go to sleep and never have to wake up to it.
I just can't cope with it.
When the police tell me they can't press charges or anything I don't know what I'll do.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I need it all to go away. He knew about the abuse in my past and still did it, then told the police it was consensual. I can't get accept it.
I don't want to have to deal with this. I want to go to sleep and never have to wake up to it.
My Mother's Daughter
I was at a party last night, and it was so much fun. I drank a lot and chatted to everyone. Then we smoked weed and I had to be carried back to my flat where I KOd. That wasn't good.
I spent all of today in bed, watching things and pottering about online. I should have been relaxed
but now I'm stressed again. I keep thinking about my mum.
Part of me wants to see her. There's this huge space in my life and mind where a mother should be, and despite what he used me for I kind of want a relationship with her. But then I don't. I hate her. It makes me so angry that she has her own lovely happy life after what she put me and my sisters through. She doesn't deserve it. I don't get that. I get to be a complete mental and emotional fuck up. She has recovered and is doing well for herself. I can push the thought out of my head, but if my sisters start showing signs of things I will go out of my way to tear her perfect little world apart.
I hate it. I really hate it. I want to push the sadness out of my head and forget about my past but I can't. It's there, like a weight on my mind constantly, and every day I have to struggle to balance every little thing in my life to make sure I don't have a breakdown and even then it doesn't always work. The weight is too much. I need some kind of relief.
I spent all of today in bed, watching things and pottering about online. I should have been relaxed
but now I'm stressed again. I keep thinking about my mum.
Part of me wants to see her. There's this huge space in my life and mind where a mother should be, and despite what he used me for I kind of want a relationship with her. But then I don't. I hate her. It makes me so angry that she has her own lovely happy life after what she put me and my sisters through. She doesn't deserve it. I don't get that. I get to be a complete mental and emotional fuck up. She has recovered and is doing well for herself. I can push the thought out of my head, but if my sisters start showing signs of things I will go out of my way to tear her perfect little world apart.
I hate it. I really hate it. I want to push the sadness out of my head and forget about my past but I can't. It's there, like a weight on my mind constantly, and every day I have to struggle to balance every little thing in my life to make sure I don't have a breakdown and even then it doesn't always work. The weight is too much. I need some kind of relief.
Laundry Day
I never understand why doing my laundry makes me so anxious. I think it's because I have to set aside a two hour chunk of time and it's always really hard to get a machine, unless you're up really early in the morning, meaning that you can't go to early lectures. Anyway, it's done, so I can relax for a few days until I need to wash towels and stuff.
So, the diazepam seems to be helping. I have slept okay, not great but not awfully, for two nights. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly, and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to.
I've realised that while I love my boyfriend, I'm not entirely happy with him. This is nothing new with me but there is a difference, which I will come to. He is never affectionate. Nobody seeing us together would guess that we are a couple. The only time he does things like hug me and be sweet like that is when he's wanting sex. He also never likes talking about things to do with me. He will sometimes listen while I talk, but whenever he is speaking it's about either our courses or something to do with people within his circle of friends. He never comes out with my friends. He came to the LGBT lunch once with me, for half an hour, because he acknowledges that he never makes an effort, but he seems to think that that is all he ever has to do. That one lunch.
The difference. I don't want to look for affection elsewhere. I am desperate to feel loved, cared about and wanted, but only by him. Normally this is when I'd start to look for someone else but I can't. I just want him, but at the same time I want more than him. I feel trapped.
He has gone home for the weekend. I'll talk to him when he gets back.
So, the diazepam seems to be helping. I have slept okay, not great but not awfully, for two nights. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly, and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to.
I've realised that while I love my boyfriend, I'm not entirely happy with him. This is nothing new with me but there is a difference, which I will come to. He is never affectionate. Nobody seeing us together would guess that we are a couple. The only time he does things like hug me and be sweet like that is when he's wanting sex. He also never likes talking about things to do with me. He will sometimes listen while I talk, but whenever he is speaking it's about either our courses or something to do with people within his circle of friends. He never comes out with my friends. He came to the LGBT lunch once with me, for half an hour, because he acknowledges that he never makes an effort, but he seems to think that that is all he ever has to do. That one lunch.
The difference. I don't want to look for affection elsewhere. I am desperate to feel loved, cared about and wanted, but only by him. Normally this is when I'd start to look for someone else but I can't. I just want him, but at the same time I want more than him. I feel trapped.
He has gone home for the weekend. I'll talk to him when he gets back.
Eh
Wow. Bad times.
I went mental. Crazy fucking mental and was going to kill myself, but my boyfriend came over and stayed with me. The night before last. I went to the doctor today and she came me diazepam to help me sleep, so I can get things under control.
I think things are fucked with the boyfriend though.
Goddamn.
Someone else? I don't want anyone else, that's the problem. I could have someone else, but I want him. Just not him as he is now. I need a little bit more. Affection. Closeness. I doubt I will get it from him.
That's all I want to say now. I'm trying not to feel shit.
I went mental. Crazy fucking mental and was going to kill myself, but my boyfriend came over and stayed with me. The night before last. I went to the doctor today and she came me diazepam to help me sleep, so I can get things under control.
I think things are fucked with the boyfriend though.
Goddamn.
Someone else? I don't want anyone else, that's the problem. I could have someone else, but I want him. Just not him as he is now. I need a little bit more. Affection. Closeness. I doubt I will get it from him.
That's all I want to say now. I'm trying not to feel shit.
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