My Mother's Daughter

I was at a party last night, and it was so much fun. I drank a lot and chatted to everyone. Then we smoked weed and I had to be carried back to my flat where I KOd. That wasn't good.

I spent all of today in bed, watching things and pottering about online. I should have been relaxed
but now I'm stressed again. I keep thinking about my mum.

Part of me wants to see her. There's this huge space in my life and mind where a mother should be, and despite what he used me for I kind of want a relationship with her. But then I don't. I hate her. It makes me so angry that she has her own lovely happy life after what she put me and my sisters through. She doesn't deserve it. I don't get that. I get to be a complete mental and emotional fuck up. She has recovered and is doing well for herself. I can push the thought out of my head, but if my sisters start showing signs of things I will go out of my way to tear her perfect little world apart.

I hate it. I really hate it. I want to push the sadness out of my head and forget about my past but I can't. It's there, like a weight on my mind constantly, and every day I have to struggle to balance every little thing in my life to make sure I don't have a breakdown and even then it doesn't always work. The weight is too much. I need some kind of relief.