Meaning

I look for meaning in everything that happens. The world feels so empty and hollow that I create thing to fill the space. I hurt and upset people and in a way that helps to fill the gap, but all I want is to find my place and live honestly. My fear is that I won't ever be happy that way.

I need to control my irrational reactions to everything. Sometimes I'll feel calm and I can step back and view things logically. Sometimes I can see all of the good things there are in life and the potential for things to get better. Sadly I can hardly ever pull my mind away from the things that make me unhappy, and the hopelessness I feel about my future.

Ultimately I want to make people happy and in turn find people who will do the same for me. I've felt love before, but for something so beautiful it's so delicate, and the slightest thing can ruin it. I don't think you can stop loving someone, but it can become twisted and distorted. I almost predict this happening, and I often wish that I could just stop looking for it. It would save me so much pain, as well as other people, but love is the most fundamental aspect of life. To deny love is to deny existence itself, and so I'm resigned to making myself unhappy pursuing something my very nature will pull apart.

That is why I need help. I need to learn to stop fearing abandonment, I have to stop reading into things too much. I need to stop trying to control people's feelings the moment I sense rejection. I know it makes me a horrible person but I want so badly to change.

I need to change so I can live, and I want to experience life so badly.

:/

So, the update I promised. Late, I know.

Well, the guy I was seeing who things weren't great with. Things ended up fine, but he didn't seem to care much and I had started to love him, so I did the wonderfully undoubtedly sensible thing and cheated on him. There was another guy I cared a lot for and I slept with him. I broke up with Nathan (I'll call him) and got together with Joe (yay for fake names). Things were alright until Nathan told me he actually did care a lot about me, and I ended up in bed with him. I told him I love him and he said he loves me too. I broke up with Joe and me and Nathan are pretty much back together.

That's the brief summary. Wasn't that simple really.

I'm back seeing the psychologist. I move to Glasgow in a couple of weeks. I'm self-harming again and my eating problems are worse. I'm alienating everyone around me. I'm just a very bad person.

I will do a more in-depth post, I just wanted to update before I do that.

I promise you an update this weekend, and by god there's a lot to tell.

I'm doing a very bad thing.

I'm a disgusting person.