Realisations

I did not want to write today. It has been a hell of a day.

I got up and had breakfast, and drifted off to my tutorials in my usual Friday fashion. I managed to avoid spending "lunchtime" with the guy from my philosophy tutorial who appears to be very dedicated and patient in his pointless attempts to bond with and woo me. I went back to my flat, wrote a shopping list and went to Tesco. This is where things went downhill.

I can't throw up in the bathroom here; my flatmates would notice. I do it in a plastic bag in my sink. Yes, disgusting. My plastic bag supply has vanished, and so today I had to face the shame of buying small bin liners purely for the purpose of throwing up in. What's more, the only small ones I could find are these pretty little lilac perfumed ones. It's safe to say I felt like shit. And what did I do in response to this, you ask? Why I purchased binge food, of course.

I returned to the flat. Binged. Purged. Felt the usual mixture of guilt and disgust. Then something different happened.

I was hit with the realisation that I am responsible for the continuation of my eating disorder. It is my self-loathing that feeds it. Things have been nothing short of catastrophic this week, and I've fallen out of all of my usual routines. The thought of leaving the flat has made me feel sick, and instead of obsessively cleaning my room, as is the norm, it descended into a complete shittip. It was branching out and taking over.

The thing is, I will admit that I don't like myself but I find it very hard to acknowledge that genuine self-hatred is one of the main aspects of my eating disorder. The violence of bingeing and purging is the same as my self-harm; it numbs the pain but also punishes myself. I punish myself for being me.

I hate myself because of my past. I can see how it has made me what I am. I hate what I am. I am manipulative, spiteful, unstable and generally just a big fucking miserable liar. I hate how I thwart all of my own attempts to improve things. If my depression alone can't isolate me I act like a complete bitch to scare people away. My fear of abandonment means I will actively try to prevent what I want more than anything: to be close to others.

I'm a mess. I need to fix this.

I realise I can't do it overnight, that it has to be a gradual thing, and I need to start with my bulimia. I accept that I'm a bulimic. I hate the word so damn much, but I need to recognise what is wrong with me. I also have a personality disorder (as advised by an uppity psychiatrist, my suspicion is BPD but I will wait for a formal diagnosis), but I can't begin to tackle this properly until I have decreased the chaos caused by my binge/purge/restrict cycles (I haven't heard from the psychiatrist in a while, and the psychology place sent me a letter saying there's a huge waiting list. I am on my own with this at the moment).

I will be careful with my food. I'm going to make sure my blood sugar levels never get too low, as this increases the likelihood of a binge. I will eat regularly. I will have breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. Three if I have been awake for more hours. This will make me feel huge, but I need to get some stability before I can consider evaluating exactly how much I need. I may keep a food diary, but this has the danger of making me want to restrict.

The most important part of my plan is keeping in mind that I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm allowing myself to get better. I'm allowing myself to take back control.

Failure

I was 10 minutes away from making it a week with no purging and I fucking failed. I mader myself sick. I wasn't even careful like I normally am, I just bolted to the bathroom.

Goddamn.

I'm so angry with myself. I let myself down. I let my boyfriend down.

My flatmates are being as cruel and disgusting as always. I broke part of the fridge and a cupboard in my rage, but got them kind of fixed. I need this anger sorted.

On the plus side, I bought cheerios and soya milk. To make breakfast more interesting.

6 Days

Six days without making myself sick. I admit, I have been eating more than I should have, but the most disgusting part hasn't happened. I am proud, and I will feel great if I make it through tomorrow too.

I did feel like shit this morning though. I had stayed at my boyfriend's, then in the morning he announced that his sister was appearing in about half an hour, and I was expected to leave and make it look like I was never at his. I'm sure she saw me leave his flat, but I didn't even look at her. I couldn't. Normally I'd even smile, just like I would with anyone, but he made me feel ashamed. I know he didn't mean it, and I understand why he didn't want his sister to know he had a girl stay over, but still.

I am almost always depressed now. It's not just the sudden plummets in mood that send me into despair, but the hideous melancholy emptiness that makes me consider an overdose again. Not because I desperately want to die, but because I don't want to live. In a way that's worse, because I'm not really feeling.

I'm not even sure how to write tonight. Everything's spinning faster and faster and I want it to stop. At least I'm getting some stability with my eating.

While I was out last night I got a text from my flatmate saying the party was over, they were going out and that they'd clean up in the morning. I got back at about half 11 this morning and it was quite clean. It is now very clean. I am horribly impressed. I had went into full-on bitch mode with them and was concerned that they'd be hostile towards me (I'd kind of deserve it) but we seem to be maintaining a level of civility. I like this. I don't want to be friends with them, I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my own flat.

It's going to be a long night...

It's midnight, I really want to sleep, and one of my flatmates is having a huge screaming match with her boyfriend on Skype, ruling out any possibility of sleep.

Let me tell you about her.

The first night I was in this flat she came to my room wailing about boy problems and showed me personal texts she'd sent to a guy she was chatting up. I hadn't spoken to her before so I Was a bit weirded out, but brushed it off. I got to know her a bit better and things did not get sunnier.

She's a Chinese student who is over for one semester, to study law. I asked her what she hopes to do with her degree, and she said "Oh nothing, I want to marry someone rich so I never have to work." She was serious. She had a doting boyfriend waiting for her in China, but informed me she is always dating other guys in the hope of finding someone "better looking or more rich." Hey poor boyfriend was aware of this, as he checked her email and whatnot.

She's a bit crazy. She wil lnever get angry at me. If I annoy her she will break things and scream to herself, but never yell at me. She did hiss like a cat when I really wound her up. She has also painted a bathroom wall with her period blood when in a rage.

Crazy.

Anyway, the boyfriend has had enough of her and dumped her. She told me this and started crying right after I found her raiding my cupboards (a LOT of stuff has gone missing recently), so I wasn't sure if she was really upset. She's not screaming and wailing. I guess she is.

It serves her right. I want to be sympathetic, but she is a whore. Almost literally. She doesn't sleep with a guy out of love, she does it so she may one day be the rich wife.

There is a lot more I could say about her, but I'm too tired to. I just want to rest!

Mild Improvement?

First of all, I would like to say that I haven't purged at all this week so far, and it is currently Thursday. I have had what I can refer to as mini-binges, where I start bingeing and am interrupted, but I have not made myself sick. That said, I came very close to this morning, and would have if I hadn't taken my contraceptive pill and multivitamin just half an hour before. Not purging after a binge is slightly preferable to risking pregnancy.

My boyfriend got very upset last night when he found out about my stash of appetite suppressants. I ended up quite upset myself, but I tried to talk a bit about it and reassure him. I was angry, because he was acting very cold towards me, but he told me it's just because he was unhappy that it was happening to me.

I woke up this morning and felt like it would be a terrible day. I was furious with my flatmates, because we have an inspection on Monday morning, and the flat has to be spotless or we can get fined. None of them had any intention of cleaning or even tidying. This is their general attitude towards housework, and I hate them for it. Anyway, this anger and frustration triggered my breakfast binge; something very very uncommon. I got everything prepared to purge, but couldn't because of the pill. It's quite scary knowing that I would have ruined all of my hard wrk this week if it wasn't for that.

I had no hope for the day. I went to my first lecture and couldn't focus. I ate a pretty good lunch. I had carrot and cucumber sticks (both supposedly negative calorie foods, as in digesting them burns more calories than they contain) and some oatcakes, with coffee. My hunger was actually satisfied. My boyfriend had some time to kill before my tutorial so we met up for about 20 minutes, which cheered me up. My last lecture of the day was great, so it's not been a bad day so far.

I'm hoping to have a decent dinner tonight. Pasta bolognese. I'm also drinking more coffee, as it is very good at reducing the chances of me bingeing, however I know the caffeine will not do my anxiety levels any good.

The bin in the kitchen is full. My flatmates will most likely continue to pile things on top of it. I'd better empty it when the rain stops; nobody else will.

Love/Hate

I told my boyfriend about my eating disorder.

I was so worried about the effects it is having on my health that I had to. It wouldn't be fair not to, because he'd end up thinking something else was up. To be fair, it's a bit of a relief. It was tearing me apart keeping it from him. I promised him I'll be better soon.

I haven't purged in 2 days, but I have had a couple of binges., I am fat and disgusting. I saw my thighs in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry at the cellulite. I'm out for a meal tonight, and if things go to plan it'll be the biggest meal I have in a while. I must, lose weight. There's no two ways about it.

I'm also pretty fucked; I think I love my boyfriend. I'm not sure, I don't trust my feelings, but this keeps overwhelming me. It just means I'll get hurt and the thought makes me feel sick. I suppose that this is another reason to lose weight; I have to be attractive to him so he's less likely to leave me.

Haha, right back into my usual styles of thinking. Shoot me now.

Fear

I feel sad.

I just realised how scared I am of somebody seeing me eat a proper meal. I always eat in my room, with the excuse that it means I can avoid my flatmates more. I just made myself stay in the kitchen to eat lunch (just noodle soup) and I was terrified that somebody would walk in the whole time I was eating.

The day was meant to be good. I went to the big Boots store on Sauchiehall Street to look for rehydration salt things and multivitamins. I think I'm losing hair; there's a lot more than normal falling out. I got the multivitamins and some gentle mouthwash to use after I purge, because I know brushing damages your teeth a lot after you've been sick. I couldn't find the rehydration stuff, and I didn't ask. I was afraid I'd be called out on why I was looking for them.

I got back to the flat and realised how exhausted I was. Even walking down 2 flights of stairs to leave the building leaves me out of breath. I then got very angry, because the bin was starting to overflow and as usual nobody else had thought to empty it. I did, slamming many doors and stomping lots in the process. I think they realise I'm angry at them. I was happy to see the cooker has been cleaned though.

One of them is having a birthday party next week, and I should be staying at my boyfriend's that night. Hopefully she'll clean up before and after. That would be nice. I'm fed up of being the only person to actually clean anything. It makes me so angry, and right now I don't have the strength to feel anything. It just makes me feel faint.

I'm going to Tesco to buy tinned tomatoes and pasta later, and I may have a look at buying some scales. It will probably end badly if I do.

Jealousy?

There's a girl I see in one of my lectures who obviously has an eating disorder. I only noticed her at first because she has fairly bright hair, but her legs are thinner than my arms. So skinny. Her face is kind of sunken in. I always see her, with her chewing gum and ice water, constantly twitching.

I don't like her.

I don't know why.

Maybe because she is something I know I will never be. She's so skinny. I admire her, but she scares me. It's horrible. I worry about her.

I saw her in Tesco when I went to buy binge food earlier. She was buying sushi seaweed stuff and oatcakes. I only had a sieve and plastic tubs in my basket at that point, so I didn't feel too awful. I hovered around her, pretending to look at the skimmed milk as well. I don't know why I did that. I wanted to talk to her, but that would have just been creepy. I wanted to tell her that I look out for her in every lecture and secretly worry that she won't turn up because she's in hospital or worse.

I feel so alone with my eating disorder, especially because I'm not actually thin. I don't get compliments on my weight to validate what I'm doing. That sounds so awful.

I went back to my flat with the food you'll see above, and I have a moderate stash besides that. I ate one of the bars of chocolate and a muffin. The urge to binge had went away, and I couldn't bring myself purge after seeing her.

I did it after dinner though. It would just be too much to ask to have one day without all of this shit.

Sickness

I need an update, methinks.

First of all, after my man-hating outburst, I have another boyfriend. I will tell you the story.

I wasn't upset when my ex left me. I thought I was but it was a relief. I could get on with things. Yeah there was this big gap where there was usually a relationship, but I could cope.

I went out a little while after with my flatmate (before I started hating them all), and there was a horribly attractive guy standing relatively close to me, alone, and looking pretty moody. I wasn't happy with this, and as I was sitting down I couldn't shuffle away, so I tried to get rid of the tension I was feeling by speaking to him.

And we talked. We drank. By the end of the night we were eating each other's faces.

The next day I was nervous as fuck, I'm not going to lie. I had decided someone as fantastic as him was too good to be true, and that he'd either want nothing to do with me or turn out to be an arse. We ended up texting lots, and I stopped worrying so much, and he took me out for dinner.

I was nervous again, but it was great, then we went back to my flat and hung out. No sex then, which is important.

We've been seeing each other for about 6 weeks now, and we've achieved couple status. He's great.

There are some massive differences in this relationship compared to others.

1. I can't play my usual mind/emotion/manipulation games. He doesn't pick up on my usual stuff, so I have no choice but to accept things as they are, which allows me to see how nice they are. He told me he has AS, which may be something to do with this, but I'm reluctant to say this is the case.
2. I didn't jump straight into bed with him. I waited a week before making a move on him and I was nervous about that. I know that's not much for most people, but bear in mind I use sex as another way to control people usually.
3. I enjoy sex with him. This has never happened before. The most I would get is enjoyment at being that close with somebody. I now get actual sexual pleasure.
4. I'm not doing my usual "flipping" thing so much. Worshipping the ground he walks on one minute, then hating him the next, then back again etc. It's not completely stopped, but it's a lot less present than usual.

I have a feeling I've left so much out, but I'm not thinking straight. The full force of my eating disorder has reared its ugly head again. I am making myself sick at least 6 or 7 times a week, and not always after a binge, just after a regular meal sometimes. It's making me ill. I keep feeling sick and dizzy, and I get cramps, have no breath, chest pains, and general confusion. Hooray.

I want to get into the habit of regularly updating this again soon, and hopefully I will. I have had a meeting with a head psychiatrist woman, who is having me referred to another who will be "my" psychiatrist. I've also been referred to a sexual assault counselling thing, where I'll get psychological treatment. With these things taking place I'm going to aim to keep track of it all on here.