Sickness

I need an update, methinks.

First of all, after my man-hating outburst, I have another boyfriend. I will tell you the story.

I wasn't upset when my ex left me. I thought I was but it was a relief. I could get on with things. Yeah there was this big gap where there was usually a relationship, but I could cope.

I went out a little while after with my flatmate (before I started hating them all), and there was a horribly attractive guy standing relatively close to me, alone, and looking pretty moody. I wasn't happy with this, and as I was sitting down I couldn't shuffle away, so I tried to get rid of the tension I was feeling by speaking to him.

And we talked. We drank. By the end of the night we were eating each other's faces.

The next day I was nervous as fuck, I'm not going to lie. I had decided someone as fantastic as him was too good to be true, and that he'd either want nothing to do with me or turn out to be an arse. We ended up texting lots, and I stopped worrying so much, and he took me out for dinner.

I was nervous again, but it was great, then we went back to my flat and hung out. No sex then, which is important.

We've been seeing each other for about 6 weeks now, and we've achieved couple status. He's great.

There are some massive differences in this relationship compared to others.

1. I can't play my usual mind/emotion/manipulation games. He doesn't pick up on my usual stuff, so I have no choice but to accept things as they are, which allows me to see how nice they are. He told me he has AS, which may be something to do with this, but I'm reluctant to say this is the case.
2. I didn't jump straight into bed with him. I waited a week before making a move on him and I was nervous about that. I know that's not much for most people, but bear in mind I use sex as another way to control people usually.
3. I enjoy sex with him. This has never happened before. The most I would get is enjoyment at being that close with somebody. I now get actual sexual pleasure.
4. I'm not doing my usual "flipping" thing so much. Worshipping the ground he walks on one minute, then hating him the next, then back again etc. It's not completely stopped, but it's a lot less present than usual.

I have a feeling I've left so much out, but I'm not thinking straight. The full force of my eating disorder has reared its ugly head again. I am making myself sick at least 6 or 7 times a week, and not always after a binge, just after a regular meal sometimes. It's making me ill. I keep feeling sick and dizzy, and I get cramps, have no breath, chest pains, and general confusion. Hooray.

I want to get into the habit of regularly updating this again soon, and hopefully I will. I have had a meeting with a head psychiatrist woman, who is having me referred to another who will be "my" psychiatrist. I've also been referred to a sexual assault counselling thing, where I'll get psychological treatment. With these things taking place I'm going to aim to keep track of it all on here.