6 Days

Six days without making myself sick. I admit, I have been eating more than I should have, but the most disgusting part hasn't happened. I am proud, and I will feel great if I make it through tomorrow too.

I did feel like shit this morning though. I had stayed at my boyfriend's, then in the morning he announced that his sister was appearing in about half an hour, and I was expected to leave and make it look like I was never at his. I'm sure she saw me leave his flat, but I didn't even look at her. I couldn't. Normally I'd even smile, just like I would with anyone, but he made me feel ashamed. I know he didn't mean it, and I understand why he didn't want his sister to know he had a girl stay over, but still.

I am almost always depressed now. It's not just the sudden plummets in mood that send me into despair, but the hideous melancholy emptiness that makes me consider an overdose again. Not because I desperately want to die, but because I don't want to live. In a way that's worse, because I'm not really feeling.

I'm not even sure how to write tonight. Everything's spinning faster and faster and I want it to stop. At least I'm getting some stability with my eating.

While I was out last night I got a text from my flatmate saying the party was over, they were going out and that they'd clean up in the morning. I got back at about half 11 this morning and it was quite clean. It is now very clean. I am horribly impressed. I had went into full-on bitch mode with them and was concerned that they'd be hostile towards me (I'd kind of deserve it) but we seem to be maintaining a level of civility. I like this. I don't want to be friends with them, I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my own flat.