A Wasted Day of Work

My first exam is on Friday. I've been studying hard, but I can't make anything stick.

I've just thrown up dinner. I don't know why I did it, I told myself I didn't have to, and that I could choose not to. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so weak.

I'm angry at my boyfriend. He has taken to not responding to some of my messages when we speak on Facebook chat. It is small and childish, but it makes my brain start screaming about how he mustn't care and to leg it before he hurts me. I'm sure he means nothing by it. He will be stressed with his exams, and he always speaks to his flatmates too. Plenty of reasons.

As I type this he has messaged me.

I love him. I wish I didn't, because it means that I'll start looking for ways to tear the relationship and him (me) apart. I can notice most things I do now, but I am scared I'll fuck it all up before I realise what I'm doing.

I will try to keep things in perspective and I will not allow myself to act purely on emotion. This is the first time I've been with someone who I don't look down on. I don't make him seem like less than what he is (makes it easier to leave/hurt them). I can't break this.

I am a terrible human being.

On a positive note, the ceilidh was the best night out I have ever had, and I really enjoyed myself. All of that worrying was for nothing!

Ceilidh!

I forgot to mention in my last post that I'm going to a ceilidh tonight.

I don't really want to go, but I must make myself socialise! If I shut myself away I'll just get more and more miserable. I keep telling myself that nobody wants me there, but all of my friends kept asking me to come and they more or less press-ganged me into agreeing to go. Plus, I promised someone who is new to the society that I'd hang out with him because he doesn't know anyone. I'm going to his for drinks beforehand, and the nice girl from my tutorial will be there.

I am concerned about the drinking part. I am a complete arse sometimes, and drink increases the chances of this happening. I should be ok. I hope I am.

My boyfriend can't come because he doesn't have any smart trousers. This is the reason! He has said this before! My stupid fucking head is determined to be angry at him for something he hasn't done though, and I think he's making excuses for everything and that he doesn't care about me. I don't want this to happen with him! He doesn't deserve it. If I start finding myself picking fights (as I always do) with him, I don't know what I'll do.

I think I love him (it's only 2 months though, plus I can never trust my own feelings), so naturally I need to push him away. I need to reject him before he hurts and abandons me. I need to call him out on crimes he is bound to have commited, because nobody could possibly care for me, he must be using me!

I'm such a fucking moron.

Back on Track?

Last night I managed not to make myself sick, despite eating more than I should have. I am quite happy about this, but I'm still pretty upset with the general way my eating is going.

I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.

Anyway the meal plan.

Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.

Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.

Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.

Snack

Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.

Snack

Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.

So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.

I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.

I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.