Back on Track?

Last night I managed not to make myself sick, despite eating more than I should have. I am quite happy about this, but I'm still pretty upset with the general way my eating is going.

I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.

Anyway the meal plan.

Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.

Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.

Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.

Snack

Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.

Snack

Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.

So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.

I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.

I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.