A Wasted Day of Work

My first exam is on Friday. I've been studying hard, but I can't make anything stick.

I've just thrown up dinner. I don't know why I did it, I told myself I didn't have to, and that I could choose not to. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so weak.

I'm angry at my boyfriend. He has taken to not responding to some of my messages when we speak on Facebook chat. It is small and childish, but it makes my brain start screaming about how he mustn't care and to leg it before he hurts me. I'm sure he means nothing by it. He will be stressed with his exams, and he always speaks to his flatmates too. Plenty of reasons.

As I type this he has messaged me.

I love him. I wish I didn't, because it means that I'll start looking for ways to tear the relationship and him (me) apart. I can notice most things I do now, but I am scared I'll fuck it all up before I realise what I'm doing.

I will try to keep things in perspective and I will not allow myself to act purely on emotion. This is the first time I've been with someone who I don't look down on. I don't make him seem like less than what he is (makes it easier to leave/hurt them). I can't break this.

I am a terrible human being.

On a positive note, the ceilidh was the best night out I have ever had, and I really enjoyed myself. All of that worrying was for nothing!