Awake
I lay in bed, in the dark, and felt something tough and bruised in front of my stomach. I felt it crawl up my body and into my mind, where my brain told me "you are feeling pain". It crawled back down to my stomach, with little tendrils drifting off into my back, my ankles and deep into my forehead where a headache has been throbbing for hours.
Today has been a day of exhaustion. I slept very little last night, not really less than usual, but I hadn't been able to really rest over the weekend, so it came down on me like a cloud, and it has been pressing in on me all day. I have been stressed, yet I finished the essay I have to hand in tomorrow, and at the moment I am fine. Tomorrow I shall do the reading for Wednesday. Tomorrow shall be quite relaxed. I just need to get up earlier so I can print out the essay.
As always, little chips of panic are dropping into my head. The library could be busy and I won't be able to print it out in time. I'll have to get up really early. I'm not going to get enough sleep. Tomorrow will be horrible. It's all pressing in; it's being channeled through the pressure on my forehead.
I know it will be okay.
I am quite cold now, and I feel hungry, but it's really just the empty. It is back. I thought it was hunger so I ate. I thought it was thirst so I drank. It took me a while to realise it's the gnawing depth that won't let itself be satisfied. I should have realised when I had my crying fit yesterday.
I could crawl back into bed and lie awake for a couple of hours. I always hate going to bed. Sleep just won't come to me, and it makes me feel strangely frustrated and sad at the same time. Then I wake up through the night, before waking about an hour or so before my alarm is due to go off. No matter what time it is set at, I always wake early, and only doze off again just a few minutes before it goes off. This morning I should have slept until it rang; I was supposed to get up roughly two and a half hours earlier than usual. This is my new Monday. Unfortunately I was awake at six.
I think I will distract myself. I could make noodle soup and find something to watch online.
I could worry about the calories in the soup, but fuck that.
Today has been a day of exhaustion. I slept very little last night, not really less than usual, but I hadn't been able to really rest over the weekend, so it came down on me like a cloud, and it has been pressing in on me all day. I have been stressed, yet I finished the essay I have to hand in tomorrow, and at the moment I am fine. Tomorrow I shall do the reading for Wednesday. Tomorrow shall be quite relaxed. I just need to get up earlier so I can print out the essay.
As always, little chips of panic are dropping into my head. The library could be busy and I won't be able to print it out in time. I'll have to get up really early. I'm not going to get enough sleep. Tomorrow will be horrible. It's all pressing in; it's being channeled through the pressure on my forehead.
I know it will be okay.
I am quite cold now, and I feel hungry, but it's really just the empty. It is back. I thought it was hunger so I ate. I thought it was thirst so I drank. It took me a while to realise it's the gnawing depth that won't let itself be satisfied. I should have realised when I had my crying fit yesterday.
I could crawl back into bed and lie awake for a couple of hours. I always hate going to bed. Sleep just won't come to me, and it makes me feel strangely frustrated and sad at the same time. Then I wake up through the night, before waking about an hour or so before my alarm is due to go off. No matter what time it is set at, I always wake early, and only doze off again just a few minutes before it goes off. This morning I should have slept until it rang; I was supposed to get up roughly two and a half hours earlier than usual. This is my new Monday. Unfortunately I was awake at six.
I think I will distract myself. I could make noodle soup and find something to watch online.
I could worry about the calories in the soup, but fuck that.
Thank You For Your Pity
And I feel it creeping back.
The periods of derealisation are cropping up from time to time, and the overwhelming feeling of emptiness is falling back into place. Sudden bursts of sadness and crying, impossible to overcome. Oh God.
I am so worried. My boyfriend will have noticed and I don't want to scare him off. I am afraid that I will fall back into bad eating habits or self-harm. I am going to try to keep a hold on things, to stop them spinning out of control until I get an appointment at the sexual assault/psychology place.
I got a letter saying I'm at the top of the waiting list, so I should get an appointment soon.
Talking of waiting lists, I'm at the top of the list to get my light fixed. It has been broken for nearly two weeks now. I'm not impressed. I am currently sat in this gloomy room, barely illuminated by a small lamp and the light from my laptop. Ah well.
Last week was so busy, and I have no idea how it passed so quickly. I had so much reading to do and saw so many people, and I started preparing things for my big literature essay. I have a small one to do just now, I have an outline and ideas and everything but no words to string them together with.
I would like a real rest. For everything to just stop so I can look around and get my bearings.
The periods of derealisation are cropping up from time to time, and the overwhelming feeling of emptiness is falling back into place. Sudden bursts of sadness and crying, impossible to overcome. Oh God.
I am so worried. My boyfriend will have noticed and I don't want to scare him off. I am afraid that I will fall back into bad eating habits or self-harm. I am going to try to keep a hold on things, to stop them spinning out of control until I get an appointment at the sexual assault/psychology place.
I got a letter saying I'm at the top of the waiting list, so I should get an appointment soon.
Talking of waiting lists, I'm at the top of the list to get my light fixed. It has been broken for nearly two weeks now. I'm not impressed. I am currently sat in this gloomy room, barely illuminated by a small lamp and the light from my laptop. Ah well.
Last week was so busy, and I have no idea how it passed so quickly. I had so much reading to do and saw so many people, and I started preparing things for my big literature essay. I have a small one to do just now, I have an outline and ideas and everything but no words to string them together with.
I would like a real rest. For everything to just stop so I can look around and get my bearings.
Settling In
So, I've had a few days to get settled back in to Glasgow. I'm pretty happy here, which is surprising. The fact I'm smoking again probably has a lot to do with it. At the moment it's the best way to kind of keep the thoughts about what my ex did to me at bay. They stop the anxiety getting too bad. I must stop soon though.
I'm so glad to be back here and to be able to see my boyfriend. He makes me really happy, and it's lovely to have someone I can talk about books with, and not just casually, we can sit and properly analyse and dissect them. I know that probably sounds ridiculous and pretentious, but we enjoy it. Plus it is useful for our courses to have someone to discuss ideas with.
I am despairing slightly over books. The ones for philosophy have only recently been published, so I have to buy them all at extortionate prices from the university bookshop. One of them isn't even in stock yet and I need to get it started by Monday!
I'm working my way through my ones for Literature. I dislike Orlando. That's all I have to say on that book. For the moment at least.
I have spent days debating over tonight. A pile of us are all going over to a friend's for some drinks then some will be going out to our favourite pub. Considering what happened last time I was out I didn't want to, but to be honest, a lot of my nervousness will be the usual anxiety I feel when it comes to going out. I have bought some cheap vodka and I'm planning on at least going to my friend's and catching up with everybody. I'm not going to hide away, as much as I'd like to.
I'm so glad to be back here and to be able to see my boyfriend. He makes me really happy, and it's lovely to have someone I can talk about books with, and not just casually, we can sit and properly analyse and dissect them. I know that probably sounds ridiculous and pretentious, but we enjoy it. Plus it is useful for our courses to have someone to discuss ideas with.
I am despairing slightly over books. The ones for philosophy have only recently been published, so I have to buy them all at extortionate prices from the university bookshop. One of them isn't even in stock yet and I need to get it started by Monday!
I'm working my way through my ones for Literature. I dislike Orlando. That's all I have to say on that book. For the moment at least.
I have spent days debating over tonight. A pile of us are all going over to a friend's for some drinks then some will be going out to our favourite pub. Considering what happened last time I was out I didn't want to, but to be honest, a lot of my nervousness will be the usual anxiety I feel when it comes to going out. I have bought some cheap vodka and I'm planning on at least going to my friend's and catching up with everybody. I'm not going to hide away, as much as I'd like to.
Back in Glasgow
I arrived back in Glasgow on Friday night and I'm glad to be back!
(I know I rushed through my last post but thinking about what happened makes me sick. I may go into detail a bit more another time.)
About an hour after I got on the second train back there was a lovely announcement to say the train was essentially dying so we had to go back to the station. When we got there the incredibly crowded train was then told there was a much smaller replacement train running. Of course, everybody panicked and ran, and some charming woman pushed into me, resulting in me getting my foot caught in the gap between the train and the platform and I went crashing down onto the metal grille just inside the door. I now have a very sore and colourful knee.
That was all of the excitement of the journey. Yesterday I went ot my boyfriend's and had os much fun making what has to be the worst cake in existence with him and his flatmates. He decided he wanted a giant butterfly cake and had a brilliant plan to hollow out 2 sponges and fill the entire thing with buttercream. The problem was that most of the buttercream was too runny, and as we didn't have any more icing sugar we crumbled up the spare sponge into it. It all just got worse from that point. I'd be very surprised if anybody has tried it yet.
It was lovely to go to sleep next to him again. It would have been a perfect day/night if it wasn't for the fact that I can't really have sex. When we tried, I just kept thinking of the ex I mentioned in my last post, and it just resulted in pain. I hope this goes away soon, otherwise I can imagine it causing a few issues with my boyfriend and me, and I will not let that fat bastard ruin the best thing that has happened to me.
(I know I rushed through my last post but thinking about what happened makes me sick. I may go into detail a bit more another time.)
About an hour after I got on the second train back there was a lovely announcement to say the train was essentially dying so we had to go back to the station. When we got there the incredibly crowded train was then told there was a much smaller replacement train running. Of course, everybody panicked and ran, and some charming woman pushed into me, resulting in me getting my foot caught in the gap between the train and the platform and I went crashing down onto the metal grille just inside the door. I now have a very sore and colourful knee.
That was all of the excitement of the journey. Yesterday I went ot my boyfriend's and had os much fun making what has to be the worst cake in existence with him and his flatmates. He decided he wanted a giant butterfly cake and had a brilliant plan to hollow out 2 sponges and fill the entire thing with buttercream. The problem was that most of the buttercream was too runny, and as we didn't have any more icing sugar we crumbled up the spare sponge into it. It all just got worse from that point. I'd be very surprised if anybody has tried it yet.
It was lovely to go to sleep next to him again. It would have been a perfect day/night if it wasn't for the fact that I can't really have sex. When we tried, I just kept thinking of the ex I mentioned in my last post, and it just resulted in pain. I hope this goes away soon, otherwise I can imagine it causing a few issues with my boyfriend and me, and I will not let that fat bastard ruin the best thing that has happened to me.
05/01/2010
Okay, I don't know how to start this, but it feels like I'm bottling my feelings up about this.
The night before last I went out with one of my best friends from home. My ex, the one who was seeing his ex behind my back, was there. Me and him have got on well since the break-up, and I counted him as a good friend. I'll sum up what happened.
My friend went home and him and me got food then went to his to eat it. I ended up unable to move or talk and I'm not sure why. I also felt very confused. I wasn't incredibly drunk, and I've never felt that way before. While I wasn't able to move he took advantage of me. I kept forgetting who he was and where I was.
When he walked me home I knew something bad had happened but recognised a friend was with me. I hugged him before going in. It was only in the morning I realised what had all happened.
I feel so sick. I can't believe a friend, someone I trusted would do this. I've been to the police, and while part of me is scared of what's going to happen (it'll blow up, he'll deny it, something will make it worse) I feel better for reporting it. Still not good though.
I don't think he actually had sex with me but I can't remember part of the night. I hope not.
I think something was in one of my drinks, but I hope not, and even if there was I'm praying it wasn't him. Hopefully he just saw an opportunity and took it, as horrible as it was. If he planned it I don't know how I'll cope. I'm already enough of a mess over it.
I just can't get my head around it. He was a friend.
The night before last I went out with one of my best friends from home. My ex, the one who was seeing his ex behind my back, was there. Me and him have got on well since the break-up, and I counted him as a good friend. I'll sum up what happened.
My friend went home and him and me got food then went to his to eat it. I ended up unable to move or talk and I'm not sure why. I also felt very confused. I wasn't incredibly drunk, and I've never felt that way before. While I wasn't able to move he took advantage of me. I kept forgetting who he was and where I was.
When he walked me home I knew something bad had happened but recognised a friend was with me. I hugged him before going in. It was only in the morning I realised what had all happened.
I feel so sick. I can't believe a friend, someone I trusted would do this. I've been to the police, and while part of me is scared of what's going to happen (it'll blow up, he'll deny it, something will make it worse) I feel better for reporting it. Still not good though.
I don't think he actually had sex with me but I can't remember part of the night. I hope not.
I think something was in one of my drinks, but I hope not, and even if there was I'm praying it wasn't him. Hopefully he just saw an opportunity and took it, as horrible as it was. If he planned it I don't know how I'll cope. I'm already enough of a mess over it.
I just can't get my head around it. He was a friend.
2011
So where have I been?
Well, right now I'm at home, with my family. I managed to get through my exams and I came back home for the holidays. I return to Glasgow on Friday.
My first exam was philosophy. Thankfully a few things I'd studied came up, so while I may not have got an A I will at least have passed. I can kind of say the same for literature. I managed to write really good answers for two of the sections, but I looked at the third and thought "I can't answer any of these questions." For once the stupidly short exam time came in handy; I didn't have time to sit and worry, I just started writing and I figured out what point I was trying to make halfway through it. English language went alright, Even though some questions were hard, it was multiple choice so it took me no time at all. I'll get my marks back at the end of January.
I'm still with the boyfriend. For the first two weeks I've been back I kept feeling violently ill because I missed him. I'm not even exaggerating. I struggle to maintain relationships without regularly seeing the person, so it's been really hard. The fact that I am undoubtedly head over heels in love with him makes it harder. At the moment I'm just looking forward to seeing him next weekend and I'm trying to stay positive.
It feels really strange. I have never cared about anyone in this way before. I adore him, but sometimes he seems like a stranger. I could listen to him talking about anything for hours on end. Even just the thought that he could leave me someday makes me feel dizzy. The room wobbles and spins. It shouldn't be possible to feel this way.
My eating problems seem under control as well. Since it's the festive period I have gained a few pounds, and that combined with the weight gain from going back on the contraceptive pill means that I am definitely much squidgier than before. I may try to lose weight sensibly when I get back down, but part of me doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me, but I'm not sure if I want to be thin.
It's hard to describe, but I feel comfortable knowing that while I'm not fat, I'm not thin. I couldn't be called it any more. There's no horrible doubts all day that I'm suddenly not thin any more, and I can't do my usual quick-fix weight loss, lose half stone in a week and be skinny again. I think that because weight loss won't be as easy to achieve than it was, I'm not seeing it as a way to cope with other problems. I could maybe lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to be thin. I don't mind the extra "flab".
(I never thought I could say that)
Well, right now I'm at home, with my family. I managed to get through my exams and I came back home for the holidays. I return to Glasgow on Friday.
My first exam was philosophy. Thankfully a few things I'd studied came up, so while I may not have got an A I will at least have passed. I can kind of say the same for literature. I managed to write really good answers for two of the sections, but I looked at the third and thought "I can't answer any of these questions." For once the stupidly short exam time came in handy; I didn't have time to sit and worry, I just started writing and I figured out what point I was trying to make halfway through it. English language went alright, Even though some questions were hard, it was multiple choice so it took me no time at all. I'll get my marks back at the end of January.
I'm still with the boyfriend. For the first two weeks I've been back I kept feeling violently ill because I missed him. I'm not even exaggerating. I struggle to maintain relationships without regularly seeing the person, so it's been really hard. The fact that I am undoubtedly head over heels in love with him makes it harder. At the moment I'm just looking forward to seeing him next weekend and I'm trying to stay positive.
It feels really strange. I have never cared about anyone in this way before. I adore him, but sometimes he seems like a stranger. I could listen to him talking about anything for hours on end. Even just the thought that he could leave me someday makes me feel dizzy. The room wobbles and spins. It shouldn't be possible to feel this way.
My eating problems seem under control as well. Since it's the festive period I have gained a few pounds, and that combined with the weight gain from going back on the contraceptive pill means that I am definitely much squidgier than before. I may try to lose weight sensibly when I get back down, but part of me doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me, but I'm not sure if I want to be thin.
It's hard to describe, but I feel comfortable knowing that while I'm not fat, I'm not thin. I couldn't be called it any more. There's no horrible doubts all day that I'm suddenly not thin any more, and I can't do my usual quick-fix weight loss, lose half stone in a week and be skinny again. I think that because weight loss won't be as easy to achieve than it was, I'm not seeing it as a way to cope with other problems. I could maybe lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to be thin. I don't mind the extra "flab".
(I never thought I could say that)
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