2011

So where have I been?

Well, right now I'm at home, with my family. I managed to get through my exams and I came back home for the holidays. I return to Glasgow on Friday.

My first exam was philosophy. Thankfully a few things I'd studied came up, so while I may not have got an A I will at least have passed. I can kind of say the same for literature. I managed to write really good answers for two of the sections, but I looked at the third and thought "I can't answer any of these questions." For once the stupidly short exam time came in handy; I didn't have time to sit and worry, I just started writing and I figured out what point I was trying to make halfway through it. English language went alright, Even though some questions were hard, it was multiple choice so it took me no time at all. I'll get my marks back at the end of January.

I'm still with the boyfriend. For the first two weeks I've been back I kept feeling violently ill because I missed him. I'm not even exaggerating. I struggle to maintain relationships without regularly seeing the person, so it's been really hard. The fact that I am undoubtedly head over heels in love with him makes it harder. At the moment I'm just looking forward to seeing him next weekend and I'm trying to stay positive.

It feels really strange. I have never cared about anyone in this way before. I adore him, but sometimes he seems like a stranger. I could listen to him talking about anything for hours on end. Even just the thought that he could leave me someday makes me feel dizzy. The room wobbles and spins. It shouldn't be possible to feel this way.

My eating problems seem under control as well. Since it's the festive period I have gained a few pounds, and that combined with the weight gain from going back on the contraceptive pill means that I am definitely much squidgier than before. I may try to lose weight sensibly when I get back down, but part of me doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, the thought of gaining more weight terrifies me, but I'm not sure if I want to be thin.

It's hard to describe, but I feel comfortable knowing that while I'm not fat, I'm not thin. I couldn't be called it any more. There's no horrible doubts all day that I'm suddenly not thin any more, and I can't do my usual quick-fix weight loss, lose half stone in a week and be skinny again. I think that because weight loss won't be as easy to achieve than it was, I'm not seeing it as a way to cope with other problems. I could maybe lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to be thin. I don't mind the extra "flab".

(I never thought I could say that)