Love Interest

Things are a bit mixed up. My boyfriend and I broke up, and I'm not interested in the guy from work any more. I think it was just because I knew my relationship was coming to an end and I wanted to prove to myself that I could care for someone else. Turns out I didn't need to bother.

I was chatting to the guy from work on msn, and I mentioned how I'd seen someone who became a little bit of a public figure on a dating site, and it was weird seeing stuff about his sexual preferences and whatnot. He asked for a screenshot of the guy's profile and announced that he was one of his best friends. After much debating with myself I decided to let him put me in touch with this guy over msn, and I'm so glad he did. We got on great, but I kept worrying I was just a pest for him.

I was out in the pub on Saturday night and sat using msn on my phone to talk to him. I was really bored and he suggested that I go to his house. I did, and it was a bit awkward but I liked seeing him. He was a bit quiet so I ended up speaking to the guy he lives with more. The next day we spoke more on msn, then we met up for a little bit in the evening. We got on great, and we've been texting lots.

I'm going to his tonight to watch a movie. I'm armed with haribo, minstrels and pringles.

I do worry I'm rushing into another relationship a bit quickly, but I can't let this opportunity pass me. He's so incredibly nice, he's a massive geek, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and so on and so forth. I can't wait for tonight.

On a not-so-great note, my grandpa and great uncle are coming up to stay today. I like them, but they're awful guests who get in the way and expect to be waited on hand and foot. 

Oh Dear

Things are kind of alright just now. I'm really happy-high again so my attention span isn't too great for work but it could be worse.

Things are really bad with the boyfriend. I know it's not working with him and it's just a matter of time until we break up.

I also have a crush on someone at work. An actual schoolgirly crush. He's really like me, we have a lot in common, and I feel really enamoured by him. I hope it dies down pretty quickly, because although we get along great he has a girlfriend, and even if he was attracted to me I wouldn't want ot pull apart a relationship.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot about dying. 

I wish I didn't have my family or my friends.

I really want to die, but I can't bear the thought of hurting them that much.

I just hope I keep seeing it that way.

Drama

I'm not loving work so much. Let me tell you a story.

So on Wednesday (I think) I got sent home from work to change for wearing skin-tone tights. This was by a woman who dresses very interestingly. None of the other managers agreed with it but because they were in a rush because a client was visiting I had to go. I got home and changed, and had to borrow money to get back in to work. Now I have to work the time I missed. I was only gone for about 2 hours but I have to go and work 3 on Monday morning, my day off. I'm not best pleased.

I ended up comfort eating yesterday as well. I ate a sandwich and some chocolate. I told myself not to worry because I can eat less later, and I was so focused on work I couldn't think of it, and I felt so happy for a little while. 

I binged and purged again last night. This morning has been a great big binge. 

I wish I could eat normally, but I know it's not safe until I get rid of the instinct to use food as a reaction or way to cope with everything. 

I know I'm not writing well, I'm not really with it. I was just underweight the other day, and I've put on 3 pounds since. I'm dreading seeing the effects of yesterday and today. 

I really hate myself for my food problems. 

Without the psychologist all the weight (haha) of them is on me. More pressure.

I wish I could shut myself in my room and sleep for weeks then come out and be thin and happy. I wish I could go to sleep and all the bad things would disappear.

And Now

I don't think I'll get to see the psychologist again. Her working hours and most of the shift patterns for work overlap too much.

I know I sometimes feel like I don't need to see her, but when my mood's low I can sometimes really scare myself, and I want that support and reassurance.

Work and Food

I haven't posted in so long, it seems. I've never felt able to, this big blank box seems really daunting.

I love half of work. I love being on the phones, it's so much fun and I get a real sense of achievement out of it. I hate doing the emails, which is awful because I'm on the email team. I wish I could be on the phones all the time.

Because of stress with starting work I'd been eating a bit more than usual. I was in a new environment and people were making comments about me being thin, and while I'd usually feel happy to hear that (even though it's not true) it just made me feel really self-conscious. So I'd almost been eating "normal" amounts. Recently it seems like everyone around me had started losing weight. Everyone's speaking about their diets and healthy eating plans, and it makes me feel really guilty. It wasn't a good feeling but I could cope with it. I still tried to eat well.

Now it's worse.  I'm really ill. I have bad hayfever and I've caught a nasty bug. There's nothing to eat in the house so I asked my boyfriend if he could bring something when he comes over, because I know that if I don't eat I'm not going to get better very quickly. He said sure, but he won't be eating much because he wants to lose weight. 

I almost feel like he's trying to attack me. He knows about my eating problems and he's never mentioned wanting to lose weight himself before, and I can't help feeling like he's trying to prove a point. I know that really that's not the case, but I still feel hurt. I know how selfish that sounds.

He's on his way over, with food. We had a bit of an argument, because I can't eat more than him and he won't be eating much anyway. I can't sit around him eating when he's not. I guess the pressure of everyone else's diets has finally got to me. I wish he could come over and we could eat a decent meal together. I really want to just sit and have lunch and not worry about it.

Instead he's buying a ready-meal. A fat-filled calorie-laden ready meal. We're to share it. If he wants to lose weight he shouldn't be eating that shit but that doesn't seem to matter to him. Why can't we have something healthy and low fat? Why does he seem to be doing everything he can to make this as hard as possible for me? 

I wish he wasn't coming over. I don't want to see him now. As long as I know he's losing weight too I'm going to feel so worthless. He's my boyfriend, I always had the comfort of knowing that even if I failed to lose weight he'd like me the way I was, but now he's so conscious of his own weight I can't help but be worried he's going to focus on my weight too.