Work and Food

I haven't posted in so long, it seems. I've never felt able to, this big blank box seems really daunting.

I love half of work. I love being on the phones, it's so much fun and I get a real sense of achievement out of it. I hate doing the emails, which is awful because I'm on the email team. I wish I could be on the phones all the time.

Because of stress with starting work I'd been eating a bit more than usual. I was in a new environment and people were making comments about me being thin, and while I'd usually feel happy to hear that (even though it's not true) it just made me feel really self-conscious. So I'd almost been eating "normal" amounts. Recently it seems like everyone around me had started losing weight. Everyone's speaking about their diets and healthy eating plans, and it makes me feel really guilty. It wasn't a good feeling but I could cope with it. I still tried to eat well.

Now it's worse.  I'm really ill. I have bad hayfever and I've caught a nasty bug. There's nothing to eat in the house so I asked my boyfriend if he could bring something when he comes over, because I know that if I don't eat I'm not going to get better very quickly. He said sure, but he won't be eating much because he wants to lose weight. 

I almost feel like he's trying to attack me. He knows about my eating problems and he's never mentioned wanting to lose weight himself before, and I can't help feeling like he's trying to prove a point. I know that really that's not the case, but I still feel hurt. I know how selfish that sounds.

He's on his way over, with food. We had a bit of an argument, because I can't eat more than him and he won't be eating much anyway. I can't sit around him eating when he's not. I guess the pressure of everyone else's diets has finally got to me. I wish he could come over and we could eat a decent meal together. I really want to just sit and have lunch and not worry about it.

Instead he's buying a ready-meal. A fat-filled calorie-laden ready meal. We're to share it. If he wants to lose weight he shouldn't be eating that shit but that doesn't seem to matter to him. Why can't we have something healthy and low fat? Why does he seem to be doing everything he can to make this as hard as possible for me? 

I wish he wasn't coming over. I don't want to see him now. As long as I know he's losing weight too I'm going to feel so worthless. He's my boyfriend, I always had the comfort of knowing that even if I failed to lose weight he'd like me the way I was, but now he's so conscious of his own weight I can't help but be worried he's going to focus on my weight too.