Laundry Day

I never understand why doing my laundry makes me so anxious. I think it's because I have to set aside a two hour chunk of time and it's always really hard to get a machine, unless you're up really early in the morning, meaning that you can't go to early lectures. Anyway, it's done, so I can relax for a few days until I need to wash towels and stuff.

So, the diazepam seems to be helping. I have slept okay, not great but not awfully, for two nights. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly, and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to.

I've realised that while I love my boyfriend, I'm not entirely happy with him. This is nothing new with me but there is a difference, which I will come to. He is never affectionate. Nobody seeing us together would guess that we are a couple. The only time he does things like hug me and be sweet like that is when he's wanting sex. He also never likes talking about things to do with me. He will sometimes listen while I talk, but whenever he is speaking it's about either our courses or something to do with people within his circle of friends. He never comes out with my friends. He came to the LGBT lunch once with me, for half an hour, because he acknowledges that he never makes an effort, but he seems to think that that is all he ever has to do. That one lunch.

The difference. I don't want to look for affection elsewhere. I am desperate to feel loved, cared about and wanted, but only by him. Normally this is when I'd start to look for someone else but I can't. I just want him, but at the same time I want more than him. I feel trapped.

He has gone home for the weekend. I'll talk to him when he gets back.