Stupid

This will probably sound stupid, but I've tried getting in touch with people to talk to and there isn't anyone to help just now. I'm not sure if calling the crisis team or hospital might be an idea, but I'll leave that for now. Anyway, bear with me and I'll try to explain this ridiculous situation.

I decided to watch Shameless, because it's one of my favourite shows, and in it this week this girl talks about how when she was 10 her mum would rent her out and she'd be filmed, before killing herself. Now, take out the filming part and knock 2 years off the age and it's what happened to me. Normally this would shake me a bit and I'd have a weep and then be okay, but my mum was emailing me over the weekend. She says her computer is broken which is why I haven't heard from her since November.

I mentioned the sexual abuse therapy I've been referred to in my last email and she jumped on it, said she had no idea what happened. I really wish I could believe her, and I tried to, but it was so obvious that she arranged it herself. I don't know, a combination of these 2 little things has left me feeling kind of hollow and sad. I wanted to hurt myself, to maybe even kill myself, at the very least to binge eat, throw up then cry until my eyes ached, but I can't. I just can't react.

After my ex attacking me maybe I've just had enough. There's only so much I can take, you know? I'm sure I'll be back to my usual miserable ways soon enough, but right now I just feel this huge void where all of my urges should be.

It would be nice if I could forget everything that happened, or even just forgive my mum and have a relationship with her, but that can't happen. What happened in my past actually took place, and instead of running away from it maybe it's about time I accepted it and allowed myself to resent it and the people involved. I'm allowed to reject my mum now, and I'm perfectly entitled to after what she put me through. I know it's tempting to smile and try to get on with her and my ex now as best as I can, but actually, I'm a person. I have feelings, and I don't have to try to make things perfect for everyone all of the time. I'm able to just think of myself, and sometimes I need to. This is one of those times.

I think I kind of need someone to call me or sit with me for tonight, but even if I am alone I refuse to hurt myself when it is other people who deserve the pain. Even if it's just for one night, I will not allow myself to take it out on my own body.