Thinking Straight

I do want to get better, so I've decided what it is I'm going to start with.

The first thing I need to do is stop the food diary. No matter how little I write down, I feel guilty. From now on it's not happening. One of the advantages of it was if I was thinking I ate far too much I could reassure myself that it wasn't so bad by having this concrete list, but I'll just have to man up and survive.

Secondly I'm going to stop the self-harm. Easier said than done, but it's only a matter of time before it escalates. I already have some massive, disgusting scars on my arm and giving myself matching ones on my thigh will not help my body image.

Thirdly, I need to weigh myself less. I'll start by restricting myself to once a day, in the evening.

I found out earlier that I have a job interview next week. If I get this job it'll help a lot. It's only part-time but I need more structure to my day. Plus the interview is for a job I'd love to have. 

I'm hoping the next couple of days go well with this, if they do then I'm going to try to take a bit more control over my general eating habits, but if I try  to do it now it'll end badly. I'm praying this goes well. 

And Again

I want it to stop. I want all of this to stop but I can't make it. What's really a way for me to take control has taken complete control of me. Every day I wake up and think "today I won't do it, I'll eat normally and it'll be fine", but before I know it I'm in the bathroom desperately emptying my stomach of whatever tiny amount of food I've eaten. Every night I decide that I won't cut myself, no matter how much or how little I've eaten, but I always end up painting lines in my food diary with my blood. 

I'm not unhappy with my body, I don't want to be insanely thin, but I can't be happy until I've lost weight. But even then I'll think I need to lose more. I'm not an unhappy person, I have a pretty good life, but I make myself unhappy by doing this. 

I want to stop, I just don't know how to stop myself.