Milk

Okay so I did my usual thing of not posting for a while, and I've noticed that I've avoided that topic of food for a very long time, and now I have a good reason to post an update on this.

In general, my eating has been okay-ish. I still binge occasionally, but I've managed not to make myself sick, thankfully. I do get really paranoid over how much I eat, and I often feel like a whale despite eating what I know is the right amount for my age and height. It's a work in progress, I know that.

For quite a while I've been wanting to get over my last food phobia. For years now I have refused to drink milk, or add it to anything I eat or drink. Since moving, I have only ever had soya milk and if anyone asks I say I'm lactose intolerant. The thought of buying milk filled me with so much actual fear that I've even bought cream to use in cooking instead of it. That's crazy. It has much more fat in it, but I just couldn't let myself bring milk into the flat.

As this is the last "big thing" in terms of my eating disorder, I decided I'd work through it. I knew I wasn't going to be bringing it in and drinking it by the gallon, so I bought one of those packet cheese sauces to make. I decided to do this about a month ago, but it was only on Wednesday (the 23rd) that I decided I would buy a pint of milk on the way back from my lectures. Just a pint, so there's not much.

I spent the entire day thinking about it getting more and more anxious. I didn't focus on my lectures at all. I went into Tesco and had to force myself to not think about it or else I would have turned around and walked out. It took all of my self-control not to leave while I was waiting in the queue, but I made myself buy it. The whole walk back I felt the bag burning in my hand and wanted rid of it, but I got it back to the flat.

Actually making the sauce was okay I suppose. I had the expected panic over how much milk I was putting into the pan, but a slight cooking disaster (it started turning into dough on the bottom of the pan!) distracted me from it, and I ended up with a very small bowl of pasta in slightly lumpy cheese sauce (I'm a great cook, but packet things seem to be my downfall). I sat at my desk making every excuse not to eat it but I did it. And I'm happy. It feels a bit like a weight has been lifted from me. I feel like I'm allowed milk now. I'm able to have it in my chai tea or other drinks, which I have missed. More than anything I feel a kind of pride that I've finally overcome the food phobia that has been most noticeable for years.

I know how stupid a fear of milk sounds, but I know that anyone who has an eating disorder will understand this. I wish I could talk about this with the very few people who know about my eating disorder, but it will be belittled a bit. I feel good about this. It's like a sign of my refusal to give in to the disorder again. A test of my strength that I succeeded.