Beginning

So this is the start to my new blog, where I hope to write about things I'm too scared to mention in case people find out. It seems almost appropriate that I'm in pain for this, because it gives a bit of a jumping point for me to mention a couple of these things.

My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous. I'd already really damaged my throat by making myself sick and today, not for the first time, the pain has spread to my stomach. I'm trying to eat as little as I can but I binge ate earlier after finding out that my boyfriend doesn't trust me and read through my phone. It's not really a big deal but I'm a bit shaken by it. I find it incredibly hard to trust people, especially men, so I'm worried about what else he may or may not have been doing. I worry that he's trying to find things to pick fights with me about. I worry he's just using me. I always end up trying to somehow connect any male to the men who raped me, even the guy who I love. It's fear, I guess.

My leg hurts from cutting it. I used to cut myself all the time when I was upset or angry. I've since learned not to immediately take things out on myself if I'm not to blame, but it's left me with some horrible scars, especially on my arms. I wont be able to wear short sleeves in public for years, I think. After a horrible stay in a psych ward I more or less stopped for a while, but I've since started again as a way to punish myself for eating what I deem to be "too much". In truth this can be just the one meal a day I'm forced to eat, but because I have things like my binges I need to have a system where the more I eat the more/deeper the cuts I have to give myself.

Then there's the grotesque part; even I find this horrible and silly but I do it all the same. In my food diary if I eat too much I have to put a line of my blood on the page. Yesterday I pigged out and couldn't bring myself to purge, so most of the page got covered. Today will be similar, although I purged after my binge.

I just want to make this clear from the start: I know that losing weight isn't going to fix all of my problems. I know it's a self-esteem thing, and that it's one of the many ways in which my mind looks for a crutch so I can cope with my past. I know it's not healthy. The reason I can't stop is because sometimes it's the only thing I have left to hold on to. It's the only real, concrete thing in my mind. I'm not in any way trying to encourage others. It's the opposite, I don't want anyone else to be in the same position where this kind of behaviour seems acceptable. This isn't a promotion, it's an outlet.