Sickness

I need an update, methinks.

First of all, after my man-hating outburst, I have another boyfriend. I will tell you the story.

I wasn't upset when my ex left me. I thought I was but it was a relief. I could get on with things. Yeah there was this big gap where there was usually a relationship, but I could cope.

I went out a little while after with my flatmate (before I started hating them all), and there was a horribly attractive guy standing relatively close to me, alone, and looking pretty moody. I wasn't happy with this, and as I was sitting down I couldn't shuffle away, so I tried to get rid of the tension I was feeling by speaking to him.

And we talked. We drank. By the end of the night we were eating each other's faces.

The next day I was nervous as fuck, I'm not going to lie. I had decided someone as fantastic as him was too good to be true, and that he'd either want nothing to do with me or turn out to be an arse. We ended up texting lots, and I stopped worrying so much, and he took me out for dinner.

I was nervous again, but it was great, then we went back to my flat and hung out. No sex then, which is important.

We've been seeing each other for about 6 weeks now, and we've achieved couple status. He's great.

There are some massive differences in this relationship compared to others.

1. I can't play my usual mind/emotion/manipulation games. He doesn't pick up on my usual stuff, so I have no choice but to accept things as they are, which allows me to see how nice they are. He told me he has AS, which may be something to do with this, but I'm reluctant to say this is the case.
2. I didn't jump straight into bed with him. I waited a week before making a move on him and I was nervous about that. I know that's not much for most people, but bear in mind I use sex as another way to control people usually.
3. I enjoy sex with him. This has never happened before. The most I would get is enjoyment at being that close with somebody. I now get actual sexual pleasure.
4. I'm not doing my usual "flipping" thing so much. Worshipping the ground he walks on one minute, then hating him the next, then back again etc. It's not completely stopped, but it's a lot less present than usual.

I have a feeling I've left so much out, but I'm not thinking straight. The full force of my eating disorder has reared its ugly head again. I am making myself sick at least 6 or 7 times a week, and not always after a binge, just after a regular meal sometimes. It's making me ill. I keep feeling sick and dizzy, and I get cramps, have no breath, chest pains, and general confusion. Hooray.

I want to get into the habit of regularly updating this again soon, and hopefully I will. I have had a meeting with a head psychiatrist woman, who is having me referred to another who will be "my" psychiatrist. I've also been referred to a sexual assault counselling thing, where I'll get psychological treatment. With these things taking place I'm going to aim to keep track of it all on here.

Barking Mad

I've been thinking a lot.

My boyfriend dumped me. He can't handle my depression. He was also lying and secretly visiting his ex, who he admits he loves more than me, behind my back. He may ask her to try again with him. Hooray.

It upset me so much. It does really hurt, but I'm not sure if it's for entirely the right reasons.

Whenever I've been with a guy there's always been something missing, something wrong. I always put it down to illness, but I'm, not so sure now. I can love them, I can be in love with them, but it's always like something's not right. That's why I get so angry at tiny things. I'm upset that I'm not making something impossible work.

And sex. I hate sex with guys. With my last boyfriend it was great, but he wasn't very big, so I didn't feel much inside. He gave lovely hugs and could use his mouth well. He didn't come across as some stereotypical macho man, he seemed to be happy with me as myself, so I was comfortable with him and could feel nice in bed with him. This was something very strange. I can't stand sex much, but of course I'll gladly spread my legs to have someone act as though they need me.

I'm not using just a couple of guys to illustrate my point here, god knows I've had enough. I'm starting to think I've been barking up the wrong tree completely.

I've thought of myself as bisexual for a long time. I've had moments where I've sworn off of guys completely, but the second I needed to feel wanted I'd be right back in there. It's so easy to find a guy who will want me and care about me. Maybe that's my problem.

I'm not saying "I'm 100% gay". Not at all, but I think it's something I need to explore, with as little intervention from men as possible.

I need to update, but I have to stop crying first.
Ogodogodogod.
Make it stop hurting please. This is honest love and it's all so fucked up and I hate it and I hate myself and I wish I didn't feel.

Meaning

I look for meaning in everything that happens. The world feels so empty and hollow that I create thing to fill the space. I hurt and upset people and in a way that helps to fill the gap, but all I want is to find my place and live honestly. My fear is that I won't ever be happy that way.

I need to control my irrational reactions to everything. Sometimes I'll feel calm and I can step back and view things logically. Sometimes I can see all of the good things there are in life and the potential for things to get better. Sadly I can hardly ever pull my mind away from the things that make me unhappy, and the hopelessness I feel about my future.

Ultimately I want to make people happy and in turn find people who will do the same for me. I've felt love before, but for something so beautiful it's so delicate, and the slightest thing can ruin it. I don't think you can stop loving someone, but it can become twisted and distorted. I almost predict this happening, and I often wish that I could just stop looking for it. It would save me so much pain, as well as other people, but love is the most fundamental aspect of life. To deny love is to deny existence itself, and so I'm resigned to making myself unhappy pursuing something my very nature will pull apart.

That is why I need help. I need to learn to stop fearing abandonment, I have to stop reading into things too much. I need to stop trying to control people's feelings the moment I sense rejection. I know it makes me a horrible person but I want so badly to change.

I need to change so I can live, and I want to experience life so badly.

:/

So, the update I promised. Late, I know.

Well, the guy I was seeing who things weren't great with. Things ended up fine, but he didn't seem to care much and I had started to love him, so I did the wonderfully undoubtedly sensible thing and cheated on him. There was another guy I cared a lot for and I slept with him. I broke up with Nathan (I'll call him) and got together with Joe (yay for fake names). Things were alright until Nathan told me he actually did care a lot about me, and I ended up in bed with him. I told him I love him and he said he loves me too. I broke up with Joe and me and Nathan are pretty much back together.

That's the brief summary. Wasn't that simple really.

I'm back seeing the psychologist. I move to Glasgow in a couple of weeks. I'm self-harming again and my eating problems are worse. I'm alienating everyone around me. I'm just a very bad person.

I will do a more in-depth post, I just wanted to update before I do that.

I promise you an update this weekend, and by god there's a lot to tell.

I'm doing a very bad thing.

I'm a disgusting person.