Small Step in the Right Direction

Last night I ate crisps with my friends, then later my boyfriend was hungry so we had pizza and garlic bread and I didn't purge! I admit the thought did cross my mind a few times but I kept reminding myself that I want to get better.

This morning I had great fun at the jobcentre. I was excused last week because I had my university visit, but the woman didn't fill out the paperwork, so I had a man today suggesting I made it up and decided not to go along. Luckily I was sent over to a nice woman who asked me a few questions, filled out a form and then told me "there's nothing to worry about, you informed us you were going and were given permission, so it's not your fault this is happening, someone just messed up." Hopefully I'll still get my money, I need to pay back my boyfriend for the money we had to use when we got stuck in Aberdeen.

I've just had breakfast, 2 slices of toast. I feel good about eating it, and I don't feel too tempted to use it as an excuse to binge. I'm feeling positive about this.

Last night my boyfriend came over for tea. He brought me beautiful roses. I told him I had period issues so I could make myself sick after tea and again after pudding. I did the same after lunch today when he was here.

I've had my fingers down my throat countless times today. I hate myself for it. I want it to stop.

When I'm focusing on food and being hungry I don't have to think about the abuse. It's the one time when it's not there but the second I think about getting better it's right at the front of my mind again. 

I know I need to face what happened. I plan to write about it here, if I feel able to. It's such a huge part of who I am now that when I try to keep it all inside me it just shows itself in different ways, like my eating disorder, self-injury and hallucinations.

I'm going to put the age thing on my blog now too. If I'm going to write about things like that I should at least let people know it's not ideal kiddie reading.

I have a friend coming over to watch movies soon. I'll eat some snacks. Hopefully I'll keep them down.

I want out. I want to get rid of my eating disorder. I just want to eat normally and not obsess, I want to get rid of the misery and guilt surrounding food. I don't even want to be thin really. I want to be healthy. I want to be better but there's this voice in my head that just WON'T FUCKING LET ME.

Oh Dear

I need to get this worry out my system.

I'm cooking tea for my boyfriend tonight, and he's bringing pudding. The problem is I can't eat it! 

My family are away until tuesday and I want to fast until they get back. Before they left we had lunch. After they'd left I scarfed an easter egg then promptly threw up the lot. I don't want anything in my stomach. Despite the fast-food I ate in Glasgow I've lost weight. Possibly from not exercising while I was there, muscle mass loss and whatnot.

Anyway, rambling a bit. I can say I feel ill, push it around my plate. I may be able to purge, but he knows I do it so he might try to stop me. I don't know.

Pretty Sleepless Night

I had what has to be one of the worst nightmares in a long time last night.

I'm used to having memories of rape coming up in dreams, changing them into something horrible, but this was different.

In this dream I was walking up the street in broad daylight with a rather creepy man following me talking about rape. I was worried so I mentioned something to say that no matter what happened to me my family would know exactly where I was. I went to turn away from him and he asked for a goodbye kiss and I refused. He grabbed me and pushed me onto the ground where he climbed on top of me and started trying to take my trousers off. I saw people coming up the street and I screamed and waved at them. They ran up and pulled me away and I was safe.

Comparing the dream itself to my usual ones it would seem better, but it's more the meaning or message behind it that makes it so bad. Usually in dreams I can't scream. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. This time I could. I asked for help and I was saved. It's reinforcing the thought that when these things were happening to me I didn't ask for help. I couldn't, it wasn't possible, but I still blame myself for it continuing. I keep asking myself "why didn't I tell someone?". I know the answer but it never justifies it enough. 

When I woke up I was terrified. It hit me how vulnerable I felt and how vulnerable I am. The fear of it happening again is always there in the back of my mind. I'm so scared when I'm out alone at night and there are men near me. Even during the day if there aren't many other people around. The memories have such a huge impact on my life and this dream showed me just how much they effect me.

A Defence of my Defences

I have a habit of becoming fiercely protective of the things I love. While this isn't unusual in itself, my huge outbursts of rage when people criticise a musician, film, or even pokemon I love stretch slightly out of the boundaries of "normality". While I can't explain this to everyone in my life, I can explain it here, and the purpose of this blog is for things like this. I'd like to apologise in advance for the tone of this entry. One of my oldest self-defence mechanisms is springing up at the thought of writing this. Good old sarcasm and bitchiness. 

It is in no way simple to deal with issues such as sexual abuse, self injury, mood disorders, eating disorders and any other kind of disorder you may care to mention. The biggest problem for me is the stigma that comes with them. Society looks down on you and expects you to be ashamed, and all the pressure and expectations piled on top of you eventually force you to feel the shame that they want, so you hide things, never tell anyone how you feel. But sometimes you just can't bottle it up, and you have to mention these things, to somehow give the world a glimpse of what you're feeling before you explode. That's where humour comes in handy.

I make fun of my problems. I laugh about them. If they're particularly bad then I mock the drama that can accompany them. I turn myself into this complete joke. It works to an extent though. It releases the pressure. It also leaves the problem of where to redirect the energy building up inside that desperately wants to backtrack and protect your ego. With me, it finds its place defending seemingly insignificant things.

Some of them have a deeper meaning though. Take my love of Emilie Autumn. She's managed to become this amazing, successful person despite her undoubtedly ongoing battles with mental health issues. In her I see hope, and she makes me feel a little less ashamed. It's hard to explain. I'm sure a lot of fellow EA fans will understand. It's because of this that I became furious at me boyfriend the other day. I was checking twitter and she'd "tweeted" something along the lines of "I can't wait to be back on the stage". His response was "attention whore much?". In that moment I immediately stitched my situation onto the framework provided by her and her life and situation and what emerged was a personal response, as if he had insulted me. 

This happens a lot, and I don't like it, but until both myself and those around me can become comfortable with my mind it's all I have.

Home Again

Glasgow was good fun, I'm definitely moving there in september. 

It felt a lot like I was babysitting my boyfriend though. I had to bully him into getting anything done which made me feel awful. We got stranded overnight in Aberdeen so I was incredibly stressed, and yesterday morning when our train was cancelled again all my anger at him came out. We're not unhappy with each other at the moment, he accepts that he made things difficult for me.

I managed to eat fine while I was gone. I was able to choose what I wanted so I had control, plus I had to make sure that mt boyfriend was eating ok. 

I'd like to write more but I've not been smoking today and I can hardly think. My boyfriend really wants me to stop and sometimes goes on a bit. I may actually go and buy more cigarettes shortly. I have applications and things to do but I just can't think.