I had what has to be one of the worst nightmares in a long time last night.
I'm used to having memories of rape coming up in dreams, changing them into something horrible, but this was different.
In this dream I was walking up the street in broad daylight with a rather creepy man following me talking about rape. I was worried so I mentioned something to say that no matter what happened to me my family would know exactly where I was. I went to turn away from him and he asked for a goodbye kiss and I refused. He grabbed me and pushed me onto the ground where he climbed on top of me and started trying to take my trousers off. I saw people coming up the street and I screamed and waved at them. They ran up and pulled me away and I was safe.
Comparing the dream itself to my usual ones it would seem better, but it's more the meaning or message behind it that makes it so bad. Usually in dreams I can't scream. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. This time I could. I asked for help and I was saved. It's reinforcing the thought that when these things were happening to me I didn't ask for help. I couldn't, it wasn't possible, but I still blame myself for it continuing. I keep asking myself "why didn't I tell someone?". I know the answer but it never justifies it enough.
When I woke up I was terrified. It hit me how vulnerable I felt and how vulnerable I am. The fear of it happening again is always there in the back of my mind. I'm so scared when I'm out alone at night and there are men near me. Even during the day if there aren't many other people around. The memories have such a huge impact on my life and this dream showed me just how much they effect me.
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