Last night my boyfriend came over for tea. He brought me beautiful roses. I told him I had period issues so I could make myself sick after tea and again after pudding. I did the same after lunch today when he was here.

I've had my fingers down my throat countless times today. I hate myself for it. I want it to stop.

When I'm focusing on food and being hungry I don't have to think about the abuse. It's the one time when it's not there but the second I think about getting better it's right at the front of my mind again. 

I know I need to face what happened. I plan to write about it here, if I feel able to. It's such a huge part of who I am now that when I try to keep it all inside me it just shows itself in different ways, like my eating disorder, self-injury and hallucinations.

I'm going to put the age thing on my blog now too. If I'm going to write about things like that I should at least let people know it's not ideal kiddie reading.

I have a friend coming over to watch movies soon. I'll eat some snacks. Hopefully I'll keep them down.