I love work, it's great. I'm doing really well at the training, and I get on well with everyone there. It's friendly and no too stressful. It keeps me busy. I'm able to eat a little bit for lunch, usually a piece of fruit and a packet of crisps. It's nice, I don't care about hunger, and I'm not so paranoid about my weight. I've had comments from people about how I'm thin and must weigh so little. Yesterday I had two guys smile awkwardly at me and say hi as I was waiting to get a lift home. I still feel some guilt for eating anything after tea, but I'm more comfortable with my body.
My mood started going down again yesterday though. The paranoia is there. I mentioned being in hospital to the man I get a lift home from. That should have been a sign it was going bad again. I'm suddenly scanning through me mind picking at all my interactions with other people and tearing them apart, convinced there's something wrong there. I feel physically sick when I eat, and I know it's just anxiety but it's not helpful when my family are determined to have so many snacks. I'm really scared, if I'm honest. In the morning yesterday it was awful but I managed to cheer myself up a little and keep talking to people.
The second I got home it all crashed down. I went for a walk, as usual, thinking it would cheer me up, and I found myself thinking about my overdose, and how I calculated how much I needed to kill me without taking enough to make me pass out and be sick. The look on the doctor's face when he asked how much I'd taken will never leave me. It feels like it was the most honest moment of my life. I know overdoses rarely work, and the doctors and nurses were treating me like a joke until they heard how much I'd taken. I felt a bit ashamed. I never thought about how much it would hurt anyone, to be fair I was so trapped in my depression that everything was distorted and I thought it would be better for everyone. It was the look on the doctor's face that got through to me. I keep reminding myself of it just now. Instead of having a calm walk to make me feel better I spent the entire time making plans to kill myself. I have ideas there, ready, and I'm scared that the slightest thing will trigger them and I'll do it.
I don't think I want to die, but I really can't tell.
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