A Defence of my Defences

I have a habit of becoming fiercely protective of the things I love. While this isn't unusual in itself, my huge outbursts of rage when people criticise a musician, film, or even pokemon I love stretch slightly out of the boundaries of "normality". While I can't explain this to everyone in my life, I can explain it here, and the purpose of this blog is for things like this. I'd like to apologise in advance for the tone of this entry. One of my oldest self-defence mechanisms is springing up at the thought of writing this. Good old sarcasm and bitchiness. 

It is in no way simple to deal with issues such as sexual abuse, self injury, mood disorders, eating disorders and any other kind of disorder you may care to mention. The biggest problem for me is the stigma that comes with them. Society looks down on you and expects you to be ashamed, and all the pressure and expectations piled on top of you eventually force you to feel the shame that they want, so you hide things, never tell anyone how you feel. But sometimes you just can't bottle it up, and you have to mention these things, to somehow give the world a glimpse of what you're feeling before you explode. That's where humour comes in handy.

I make fun of my problems. I laugh about them. If they're particularly bad then I mock the drama that can accompany them. I turn myself into this complete joke. It works to an extent though. It releases the pressure. It also leaves the problem of where to redirect the energy building up inside that desperately wants to backtrack and protect your ego. With me, it finds its place defending seemingly insignificant things.

Some of them have a deeper meaning though. Take my love of Emilie Autumn. She's managed to become this amazing, successful person despite her undoubtedly ongoing battles with mental health issues. In her I see hope, and she makes me feel a little less ashamed. It's hard to explain. I'm sure a lot of fellow EA fans will understand. It's because of this that I became furious at me boyfriend the other day. I was checking twitter and she'd "tweeted" something along the lines of "I can't wait to be back on the stage". His response was "attention whore much?". In that moment I immediately stitched my situation onto the framework provided by her and her life and situation and what emerged was a personal response, as if he had insulted me. 

This happens a lot, and I don't like it, but until both myself and those around me can become comfortable with my mind it's all I have.