My first exam is on Friday. I've been studying hard, but I can't make anything stick.
I've just thrown up dinner. I don't know why I did it, I told myself I didn't have to, and that I could choose not to. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel so weak.
I'm angry at my boyfriend. He has taken to not responding to some of my messages when we speak on Facebook chat. It is small and childish, but it makes my brain start screaming about how he mustn't care and to leg it before he hurts me. I'm sure he means nothing by it. He will be stressed with his exams, and he always speaks to his flatmates too. Plenty of reasons.
As I type this he has messaged me.
I love him. I wish I didn't, because it means that I'll start looking for ways to tear the relationship and him (me) apart. I can notice most things I do now, but I am scared I'll fuck it all up before I realise what I'm doing.
I will try to keep things in perspective and I will not allow myself to act purely on emotion. This is the first time I've been with someone who I don't look down on. I don't make him seem like less than what he is (makes it easier to leave/hurt them). I can't break this.
I am a terrible human being.
On a positive note, the ceilidh was the best night out I have ever had, and I really enjoyed myself. All of that worrying was for nothing!
Ceilidh!
I forgot to mention in my last post that I'm going to a ceilidh tonight.
I don't really want to go, but I must make myself socialise! If I shut myself away I'll just get more and more miserable. I keep telling myself that nobody wants me there, but all of my friends kept asking me to come and they more or less press-ganged me into agreeing to go. Plus, I promised someone who is new to the society that I'd hang out with him because he doesn't know anyone. I'm going to his for drinks beforehand, and the nice girl from my tutorial will be there.
I am concerned about the drinking part. I am a complete arse sometimes, and drink increases the chances of this happening. I should be ok. I hope I am.
My boyfriend can't come because he doesn't have any smart trousers. This is the reason! He has said this before! My stupid fucking head is determined to be angry at him for something he hasn't done though, and I think he's making excuses for everything and that he doesn't care about me. I don't want this to happen with him! He doesn't deserve it. If I start finding myself picking fights (as I always do) with him, I don't know what I'll do.
I think I love him (it's only 2 months though, plus I can never trust my own feelings), so naturally I need to push him away. I need to reject him before he hurts and abandons me. I need to call him out on crimes he is bound to have commited, because nobody could possibly care for me, he must be using me!
I'm such a fucking moron.
I don't really want to go, but I must make myself socialise! If I shut myself away I'll just get more and more miserable. I keep telling myself that nobody wants me there, but all of my friends kept asking me to come and they more or less press-ganged me into agreeing to go. Plus, I promised someone who is new to the society that I'd hang out with him because he doesn't know anyone. I'm going to his for drinks beforehand, and the nice girl from my tutorial will be there.
I am concerned about the drinking part. I am a complete arse sometimes, and drink increases the chances of this happening. I should be ok. I hope I am.
My boyfriend can't come because he doesn't have any smart trousers. This is the reason! He has said this before! My stupid fucking head is determined to be angry at him for something he hasn't done though, and I think he's making excuses for everything and that he doesn't care about me. I don't want this to happen with him! He doesn't deserve it. If I start finding myself picking fights (as I always do) with him, I don't know what I'll do.
I think I love him (it's only 2 months though, plus I can never trust my own feelings), so naturally I need to push him away. I need to reject him before he hurts and abandons me. I need to call him out on crimes he is bound to have commited, because nobody could possibly care for me, he must be using me!
I'm such a fucking moron.
Back on Track?
Last night I managed not to make myself sick, despite eating more than I should have. I am quite happy about this, but I'm still pretty upset with the general way my eating is going.
I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.
Anyway the meal plan.
Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.
Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.
Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.
Snack
Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.
Snack
Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.
So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.
I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.
I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.
I have made a loose meal plan that I have to stick to. The idea behind it is that I eat regularly enough to never feel deprived of food, reducing the chances of bingeing. I have also (I hate myself for this) kind of started smoking again. I think this is more because of depression than eating though. I promise to buy no more cigarettes, and I have about 13 left.
Anyway the meal plan.
Breakfast: Either cereal (with soya milk, real milk is a bad food and I can't bring myself to have it) or 2 slices of toast.
Snack: This one doesn't apply during the week, if I'm at lectures. If I'm at the flat and I had an early breakfast I will eat something.
Lunch: Sandwiches and a small snacky-type thing. Apple if I need more.
Snack
Dinner: General main-meal type food. I am trying to be careful with my portion sizes so I don't eat too much and feel as though I've binged.
Snack
Now to define snack. It kind of hurts to write this out, but I have biscuits and these little mini cake bar things I got in Iceland. A snack is 3 biscuits or 1 cake bar. I tried crisps but I always eat ALL of them once I buy them. I feel guilty for eating such calorie-dense foods, but I know that I need to have slightly more because it's winter, and it's snowing and the river has frozen over etc. I'm also trying to get over my phobia of drinking anything (bar tea) with calories. If I'm thirsty and I fancy a normal Irn Bru, I will have a normal Irn Bru.
So far it is working. I feel better in general, and the urge to binge is not only easier to resist, but it is happening less. I know it won't always be like this, and I will still binge sometimes, but at least I'm not encouraging it.
I'm going to gain weight, and it kills me, but unless I break out of this cycle any attempts to lose weight will only make me more and more ill, and I don't want that.
I'm alone with my eating disorder just now, and I refuse to let it pull me under. I can work on gradually reducing my calorie intake when I can trust myself to do so sensibly.
Realisations
I did not want to write today. It has been a hell of a day.
I got up and had breakfast, and drifted off to my tutorials in my usual Friday fashion. I managed to avoid spending "lunchtime" with the guy from my philosophy tutorial who appears to be very dedicated and patient in his pointless attempts to bond with and woo me. I went back to my flat, wrote a shopping list and went to Tesco. This is where things went downhill.
I can't throw up in the bathroom here; my flatmates would notice. I do it in a plastic bag in my sink. Yes, disgusting. My plastic bag supply has vanished, and so today I had to face the shame of buying small bin liners purely for the purpose of throwing up in. What's more, the only small ones I could find are these pretty little lilac perfumed ones. It's safe to say I felt like shit. And what did I do in response to this, you ask? Why I purchased binge food, of course.
I returned to the flat. Binged. Purged. Felt the usual mixture of guilt and disgust. Then something different happened.
I was hit with the realisation that I am responsible for the continuation of my eating disorder. It is my self-loathing that feeds it. Things have been nothing short of catastrophic this week, and I've fallen out of all of my usual routines. The thought of leaving the flat has made me feel sick, and instead of obsessively cleaning my room, as is the norm, it descended into a complete shittip. It was branching out and taking over.
The thing is, I will admit that I don't like myself but I find it very hard to acknowledge that genuine self-hatred is one of the main aspects of my eating disorder. The violence of bingeing and purging is the same as my self-harm; it numbs the pain but also punishes myself. I punish myself for being me.
I hate myself because of my past. I can see how it has made me what I am. I hate what I am. I am manipulative, spiteful, unstable and generally just a big fucking miserable liar. I hate how I thwart all of my own attempts to improve things. If my depression alone can't isolate me I act like a complete bitch to scare people away. My fear of abandonment means I will actively try to prevent what I want more than anything: to be close to others.
I'm a mess. I need to fix this.
I realise I can't do it overnight, that it has to be a gradual thing, and I need to start with my bulimia. I accept that I'm a bulimic. I hate the word so damn much, but I need to recognise what is wrong with me. I also have a personality disorder (as advised by an uppity psychiatrist, my suspicion is BPD but I will wait for a formal diagnosis), but I can't begin to tackle this properly until I have decreased the chaos caused by my binge/purge/restrict cycles (I haven't heard from the psychiatrist in a while, and the psychology place sent me a letter saying there's a huge waiting list. I am on my own with this at the moment).
I will be careful with my food. I'm going to make sure my blood sugar levels never get too low, as this increases the likelihood of a binge. I will eat regularly. I will have breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. Three if I have been awake for more hours. This will make me feel huge, but I need to get some stability before I can consider evaluating exactly how much I need. I may keep a food diary, but this has the danger of making me want to restrict.
The most important part of my plan is keeping in mind that I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm allowing myself to get better. I'm allowing myself to take back control.
I got up and had breakfast, and drifted off to my tutorials in my usual Friday fashion. I managed to avoid spending "lunchtime" with the guy from my philosophy tutorial who appears to be very dedicated and patient in his pointless attempts to bond with and woo me. I went back to my flat, wrote a shopping list and went to Tesco. This is where things went downhill.
I can't throw up in the bathroom here; my flatmates would notice. I do it in a plastic bag in my sink. Yes, disgusting. My plastic bag supply has vanished, and so today I had to face the shame of buying small bin liners purely for the purpose of throwing up in. What's more, the only small ones I could find are these pretty little lilac perfumed ones. It's safe to say I felt like shit. And what did I do in response to this, you ask? Why I purchased binge food, of course.
I returned to the flat. Binged. Purged. Felt the usual mixture of guilt and disgust. Then something different happened.
I was hit with the realisation that I am responsible for the continuation of my eating disorder. It is my self-loathing that feeds it. Things have been nothing short of catastrophic this week, and I've fallen out of all of my usual routines. The thought of leaving the flat has made me feel sick, and instead of obsessively cleaning my room, as is the norm, it descended into a complete shittip. It was branching out and taking over.
The thing is, I will admit that I don't like myself but I find it very hard to acknowledge that genuine self-hatred is one of the main aspects of my eating disorder. The violence of bingeing and purging is the same as my self-harm; it numbs the pain but also punishes myself. I punish myself for being me.
I hate myself because of my past. I can see how it has made me what I am. I hate what I am. I am manipulative, spiteful, unstable and generally just a big fucking miserable liar. I hate how I thwart all of my own attempts to improve things. If my depression alone can't isolate me I act like a complete bitch to scare people away. My fear of abandonment means I will actively try to prevent what I want more than anything: to be close to others.
I'm a mess. I need to fix this.
I realise I can't do it overnight, that it has to be a gradual thing, and I need to start with my bulimia. I accept that I'm a bulimic. I hate the word so damn much, but I need to recognise what is wrong with me. I also have a personality disorder (as advised by an uppity psychiatrist, my suspicion is BPD but I will wait for a formal diagnosis), but I can't begin to tackle this properly until I have decreased the chaos caused by my binge/purge/restrict cycles (I haven't heard from the psychiatrist in a while, and the psychology place sent me a letter saying there's a huge waiting list. I am on my own with this at the moment).
I will be careful with my food. I'm going to make sure my blood sugar levels never get too low, as this increases the likelihood of a binge. I will eat regularly. I will have breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. Three if I have been awake for more hours. This will make me feel huge, but I need to get some stability before I can consider evaluating exactly how much I need. I may keep a food diary, but this has the danger of making me want to restrict.
The most important part of my plan is keeping in mind that I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm allowing myself to get better. I'm allowing myself to take back control.
Failure
I was 10 minutes away from making it a week with no purging and I fucking failed. I mader myself sick. I wasn't even careful like I normally am, I just bolted to the bathroom.
Goddamn.
I'm so angry with myself. I let myself down. I let my boyfriend down.
My flatmates are being as cruel and disgusting as always. I broke part of the fridge and a cupboard in my rage, but got them kind of fixed. I need this anger sorted.
On the plus side, I bought cheerios and soya milk. To make breakfast more interesting.
Goddamn.
I'm so angry with myself. I let myself down. I let my boyfriend down.
My flatmates are being as cruel and disgusting as always. I broke part of the fridge and a cupboard in my rage, but got them kind of fixed. I need this anger sorted.
On the plus side, I bought cheerios and soya milk. To make breakfast more interesting.
6 Days
Six days without making myself sick. I admit, I have been eating more than I should have, but the most disgusting part hasn't happened. I am proud, and I will feel great if I make it through tomorrow too.
I did feel like shit this morning though. I had stayed at my boyfriend's, then in the morning he announced that his sister was appearing in about half an hour, and I was expected to leave and make it look like I was never at his. I'm sure she saw me leave his flat, but I didn't even look at her. I couldn't. Normally I'd even smile, just like I would with anyone, but he made me feel ashamed. I know he didn't mean it, and I understand why he didn't want his sister to know he had a girl stay over, but still.
I am almost always depressed now. It's not just the sudden plummets in mood that send me into despair, but the hideous melancholy emptiness that makes me consider an overdose again. Not because I desperately want to die, but because I don't want to live. In a way that's worse, because I'm not really feeling.
I'm not even sure how to write tonight. Everything's spinning faster and faster and I want it to stop. At least I'm getting some stability with my eating.
While I was out last night I got a text from my flatmate saying the party was over, they were going out and that they'd clean up in the morning. I got back at about half 11 this morning and it was quite clean. It is now very clean. I am horribly impressed. I had went into full-on bitch mode with them and was concerned that they'd be hostile towards me (I'd kind of deserve it) but we seem to be maintaining a level of civility. I like this. I don't want to be friends with them, I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my own flat.
I did feel like shit this morning though. I had stayed at my boyfriend's, then in the morning he announced that his sister was appearing in about half an hour, and I was expected to leave and make it look like I was never at his. I'm sure she saw me leave his flat, but I didn't even look at her. I couldn't. Normally I'd even smile, just like I would with anyone, but he made me feel ashamed. I know he didn't mean it, and I understand why he didn't want his sister to know he had a girl stay over, but still.
I am almost always depressed now. It's not just the sudden plummets in mood that send me into despair, but the hideous melancholy emptiness that makes me consider an overdose again. Not because I desperately want to die, but because I don't want to live. In a way that's worse, because I'm not really feeling.
I'm not even sure how to write tonight. Everything's spinning faster and faster and I want it to stop. At least I'm getting some stability with my eating.
While I was out last night I got a text from my flatmate saying the party was over, they were going out and that they'd clean up in the morning. I got back at about half 11 this morning and it was quite clean. It is now very clean. I am horribly impressed. I had went into full-on bitch mode with them and was concerned that they'd be hostile towards me (I'd kind of deserve it) but we seem to be maintaining a level of civility. I like this. I don't want to be friends with them, I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my own flat.
It's going to be a long night...
It's midnight, I really want to sleep, and one of my flatmates is having a huge screaming match with her boyfriend on Skype, ruling out any possibility of sleep.
Let me tell you about her.
The first night I was in this flat she came to my room wailing about boy problems and showed me personal texts she'd sent to a guy she was chatting up. I hadn't spoken to her before so I Was a bit weirded out, but brushed it off. I got to know her a bit better and things did not get sunnier.
She's a Chinese student who is over for one semester, to study law. I asked her what she hopes to do with her degree, and she said "Oh nothing, I want to marry someone rich so I never have to work." She was serious. She had a doting boyfriend waiting for her in China, but informed me she is always dating other guys in the hope of finding someone "better looking or more rich." Hey poor boyfriend was aware of this, as he checked her email and whatnot.
She's a bit crazy. She wil lnever get angry at me. If I annoy her she will break things and scream to herself, but never yell at me. She did hiss like a cat when I really wound her up. She has also painted a bathroom wall with her period blood when in a rage.
Crazy.
Anyway, the boyfriend has had enough of her and dumped her. She told me this and started crying right after I found her raiding my cupboards (a LOT of stuff has gone missing recently), so I wasn't sure if she was really upset. She's not screaming and wailing. I guess she is.
It serves her right. I want to be sympathetic, but she is a whore. Almost literally. She doesn't sleep with a guy out of love, she does it so she may one day be the rich wife.
There is a lot more I could say about her, but I'm too tired to. I just want to rest!
Let me tell you about her.
The first night I was in this flat she came to my room wailing about boy problems and showed me personal texts she'd sent to a guy she was chatting up. I hadn't spoken to her before so I Was a bit weirded out, but brushed it off. I got to know her a bit better and things did not get sunnier.
She's a Chinese student who is over for one semester, to study law. I asked her what she hopes to do with her degree, and she said "Oh nothing, I want to marry someone rich so I never have to work." She was serious. She had a doting boyfriend waiting for her in China, but informed me she is always dating other guys in the hope of finding someone "better looking or more rich." Hey poor boyfriend was aware of this, as he checked her email and whatnot.
She's a bit crazy. She wil lnever get angry at me. If I annoy her she will break things and scream to herself, but never yell at me. She did hiss like a cat when I really wound her up. She has also painted a bathroom wall with her period blood when in a rage.
Crazy.
Anyway, the boyfriend has had enough of her and dumped her. She told me this and started crying right after I found her raiding my cupboards (a LOT of stuff has gone missing recently), so I wasn't sure if she was really upset. She's not screaming and wailing. I guess she is.
It serves her right. I want to be sympathetic, but she is a whore. Almost literally. She doesn't sleep with a guy out of love, she does it so she may one day be the rich wife.
There is a lot more I could say about her, but I'm too tired to. I just want to rest!
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